When we shoot 'Scrubs' I spend every waking hour of my life in an abandoned and haunted hospital. All I can date there are ghosts and they tend to be horrible snugglers.
In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.
Somebody approached me about writing a biography on me I told them they were too late.
Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?
Best movie ever?! Come on my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.
I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that truthfully nobody else can really compare to me.
I mean so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.
I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.
I don't get why arabs are so pissed off at us. I mean they have enough oil for all of them to drive a hummer at what maybe 1.50 a gallon?
There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say without a doubt that I was in the wrong?
I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know I already have an ashtray.
I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.
Yeah I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.
That cyclone in Burma? That was just me doing the dance to that annoying ass song...
Let's face it it's only called Scrubs because I'm saving 'Zach Braff' for my autobiography.
Im just not really attracted to black chicks.
I think the [New England] Patriots' season should have an asterisk next to it because everything they're accomplishing is against teams coached by people other than me.
I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.
Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.
Sure the jews killed jesus but the guy was an awful carpenter
Honestly the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.
It raises several serious questions. For example how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?
Sure it was terrible and all but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded why couldn't they just swim to safety?
I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State
I am really driven but my drive doesn't affect the conversations I have in my head about life and worries and fears and insecurities.
I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because... share the wealth.
Hitler was about population control.
It's a give and take relationship with my fans. They give me love and adoration and I take it from them.
I'm pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean I've never seen it. Have you? I didn't think so.
I never looked at bread the same way again
I'd really like to give back to the world but everything I've achieved I've earned on my own so what's the point?
I mean some people accuse me of being racist. I'm totally not I'm just better than everybody else.
If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.
In a perfect world everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff you just wouldn't be able to resist.
I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.
My co-stars aren't bad actors but they're no Zach Braff.
I'm always being told by directors that I add chemistry to scenes so I mean how difficult could it be?
I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.
I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful
I love the holiday season almost as much as I love touching myself in front of orphans.
Yea he's alright...but he's no Zach Braff.
The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.
I'd never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.
It has been pretty much downhill ever since the 13th amendment
You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.
I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.
Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that frankly.
I mean nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.
I don't want to blame it all on 9/11 but it certainly didn't help matters.
I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights as long as they mean rights equal to a dog
I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks women and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.
I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.
Well you need to have at least one black friend otherwise people think you're racist
It's not that George Bush doesn't care about black people god made hurricanes not people who can't swim.
I don't like the term 'black people' I find it demeaning to those of us that actually qualify as 'people'.
You always see black people complaining about this and that but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.
I've had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can't seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop you know?
Oh sure I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.
I think slavery was an awful awful period in our history but when I look at what's become of black culture since emancipation I think you have to admit maybe the Confederacy was on to something
I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent' but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?
I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles Humphrey Bogart Ghandi Buddha Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.
If we've learned anything it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.
It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It's like denying the cure for polio or something.
The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.
Some people just can't handle that they will never be a better actor than me
I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?
I mean I'm a writer actor AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything but compare that to a carpenter and in the end who is the better man?
I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.
The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.
When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That and become a baker.
The Jews are just clumsy bakers.
I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'
I know the Bible isn't real because it never once mentions me.
Ever since I was little it was programmed into me that London is where great theatre occurs and all the big shows you love start there.
I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.
Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.
I'm not saying eating babies should be legal but when they're so delicious what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better their innocence or their gooey rib butter.
Sometimes I go to Barnes & Noble with the sole intention of moving all copies of the bible to the fiction section.
People keep asking me whether I'm going to vote for Obama or McCain in the election. But I'm like why bother? There will never be another leader as good as he was.
I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.
I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity ' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.
Ya know Hitler was this evil evil man. But with the World Bank and Israel manipulating America he might have been on to something...
Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.
There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.
I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending Batman always wins.
It's just Gods way of getting babies to heaven faster!
Don't get me wrong I love the idea of killing unwanted babies it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.
I don't think it's that bad I mean I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.
It's all about being a part of something in the community socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.
It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.
I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me I know I'm successful and I am.
Sometimes I regret not being Catholic. I think I'd make a pretty good saint.
Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.
People ask me 'Did the fame come too fast? Do you ever wish for your old life?' I always tell them that there's nothing on earth better than being famous.
I love queers as much as the next guy I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.
I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?
If a benevolent God exists so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.
It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.
Bigger than the Beatles? Well how many grammys did they win? Exactly none yet I have one and I've never even released a CD.
I've been doing som jogging at home recently and every time I try the distance I end up beating his time with like three or four seconds.
Well it's not that I HATE them but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money one white and one black and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.
In New York we tip everyone. We tip doormen we tip cab drivers and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.
Yeah I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.
Yea I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.
I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.
They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well I INVENTED the chick flick so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.
Oh I love children but I could never eat a whole one.
I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial y'know?
I like the punch beggers and panhandlers when they ask me for change. I feel like I am doing my part to clean up the streets.
I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean crap I live there. What more do you need?
I had a dream once. I wanted to do a line of cocaine off a hooker's ass. That's when I realized 'Hey I'm freakin' Zach Braff.' I did it the next morning.
What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.
Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.
I really like just super dry comedy.
The fact that 'Scrubs' is so popular in Israel is very important to me. I feel like I'm helping to cancel out the thousands of years of oppression the Jewish people have suffered.
My tears cure cancer too it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.
I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss you know?
When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.
Put God and me in a cage what do you think who will win. God because I created him.
People compared Garden State to the Graduate but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?
Complete garbage. It's like Garden State but in outer space.
I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.
People often ask me when there's going to be a Mrs. Zach Braff. It's a confusing question sometimes because many people don't realize that my mother is named Mrs. Zach Braff.
If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.
I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!
After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins
The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?
I am really driven but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life and my worries and fears and insecurities.
I don't think restaurants should refuse to serve minority people. They are quite tasty when prepared correctly.
My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.
That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up.
Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.
Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on she's a woman. But still it's very cute.
I really don't give a care I'm going to live for ever
Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing
At first I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter
It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.
I've always wanted to have kids of my own it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.
The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.
They don't know I'm staring what does it matter if I keep on doing it?
I'm a person who likes these sort of movies... sad but moving 'art movies' that normally are at a festival and then they go to a small art house theater and disappear.
I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything.
Of course I don't use my A-material it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways if you caych my drift.
It's trust issue more than anything. I mean whats stopping them from teaming up dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture
I mean what's eleven million people now days?
I'd always fantasized about writing a new play. Even when I had all this success in television what I was daydreaming about in my dressing room is that one day I would do it.
Now that 'Scrubs' is over people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking 'Who ARE you?'
Every single person wants to do it don't hate me because I had the guts to follow my heart!
A kid came up to me the other day and said 'Hey you're the guy on Scrubs!' Kid I am Scrubs and don't you forget it.
Yea I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.
I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies and I went to film school.
I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves.
You know I was just taking a dump one day and then as I sat there I realized I really do deserve better.
I think I suffer from some mild depression.
Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early?
I heard about the Dalai Lama you know and I thought to myself why not me?
Dude writing acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does well that... that's something.
I don't have anything against this Jesus guy but has he written directed and starred in his own movie?
I'm not the kind of person who digs through things other people have thrown away.
My favorite meal? It has to be furburgers everyday in the morning.
You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics...
I'm hanging out with my New York friends my Jersey boys my family and loving every single second of it.
I donno it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.
Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.
I'm not an hour late. You guys were just an hour early.
I never go looking for child pornography but I mean if somebody sends me an email with some pictures I'm not going to turn around and report them.
Prohibition didn't work so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.
If God wanted women to be treated equally to men he'd have given them penises.
People always tell me I should run for president but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.
If nothing else I'm making a movie that I'll enjoy.
It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading.
People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean God doesn't make mistakes just look at me for example.
It's not terrible I guess but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.
Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.
I had a very funny family.
People have called me fake but personally I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.
Sure they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.
That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.
I really couldn't say how famous I really am that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.
It's a really fun hobby to set imagery to music and finding the right songs for that. Your favorite song in the world might not work at all... for one reason or another.
When you win your first Grammy it's true you really want to thank all the little people.
For me acting in scenes with other people is like playing soccer with a bunch of legless five year olds. It's not really fair to them but what else can I do you know?
I went to film school and wanted to learn everything there was about making movies.
It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I'm not some whiny loser punk I'm a man's man.
I don't want to be one of those guys but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.
I guess sometimes God just needs to laugh
I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.
I'm grown ass man and grown ass men can do whatever they want got it?
Maybe that's all that family really is a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.
I don't care about image and all that nonsense. I'm in sweat pants every day. I don't play the game at all.
They put all this money into these huge films and then no one goes to see them. That sort of shows they're out of touch. Then everyone in town passes on my little movie and it does really well.
Of course killing people is 'wrong' but I think history shows that sometimes it serves the greater good.
When I first moved to L.A. I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.
Have I ever had sex with a hooker? I'd like to answer that question with a question of my own. Can just anyone look up police records?
Whenever I'm feeling a bit down I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart you know?
It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.
Women are like parking spots the best ones are handicapped.
Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like.
Without me Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it it's turned into the lolocaust.
Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.
If I wasn't an actor? Hmm I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable no one would ever suspect me.
I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.
I never really understood all the hype until I got one of my own.
A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy and in some ways it is but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.
If it were up to me it'd be outlawed. I mean come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined and that's how it should stay!
The only real difference between hookers stippers sluts and regualar women how many times you can hit them before they cry. Hookers can really take a punch I'll tell you that much.
It's not that I'm racist or anything because I'm not but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.
I know every politician spins the truth a little.
Its not that I'm in love with myself I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.
I mean personally I would have had no problem surviving. Come on how hard is it to swim?
I could be one if I wanted to I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.
Yeah i saw An Inconvenient Truth and i dont want to say it was preachy but let's not kid ourselves i've got far more important work to do
I'm not saying I hate Jews I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.
I'm not lazy I drive everywhere myself the dog could've learned something from me.
Incognito mode? What do they have to hide? Zach Braff doesn't have anything to hide - Zach Braff lays it all out there for everybody to see. That is Zach Braff's secret to Zach Braff's success.
If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
It's not that I think the Nazis were right or anything. It's just that we weren't there we don't know.
Well I'm not saying that America is a bad place or anything. I just think 9/11 needed to happen sooner or later.
Actually I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.
Seriously when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?
It's just people trying to get on TV not like it's really going to do them any good since people can just watch me.
Minutes to learn a lifetime to master. People just don't understand that
I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.
I don't like the idea of drama schools. They only perpetuate the myth that everyone can do what I do
I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.
I have no desire to make money off musicians. I just want to promote them because I want to share music.
It really is fascinating stuff and I've picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book I mean by this point I know about as much as most 'real' doctors.
The success of 'Scrubs' allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.
They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.
I did theater for a few years while I was in New York but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.
I've never had much sympathy for orphans I mean when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff
I certainly do not consider myself the next Jesus. I'd say he was more of a precursor to Zach Braff.
Yeah the gay pride movement is precious and all but I think it's about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.
I said I'm on this TV show and I love doing it but I don't want to be known always as the silly 'Scrubs' guy... So part of me was like You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it.
I want to take piano lessons I want to study at university I want to travel I want to do other parts make another movie.
The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.
I'd like to think that my scripts are more significant than maybe the Bible or the book that the Jews use whatever it's called. And that's only when I'm having an off day.
I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'.
I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.
I was inspired by World Vision. It's almost like I sponsored (Donald) Faison and gave him an opportunity to do something with his life. What more would he want than to work with me?
I'm 26 years old and I've spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is and I'm going to try to live my life like that.
She can't say no if she's unconscious.
Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.