How wise are thy commandments Lord. Each of them applies to somebody I know.
It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said 'Remember my son if you ever need a helping hand you'll find one at the end of your arm.'
When I came home and showed my mother my report card with a mark of 98 in arithmetic she wanted to know who had gotten the other two points.
One antidote for sexual truancy lies in simply teaching youth the wonder the miracle the reverence for the creation of life itself. Life is a divine creation. You don't take chances with creation.
Life begins at forty but so does arthritis and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
At the U.N. any nation that fights back is censored as an "aggressor.
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage just listen to her talking to her little brother.
I admit that: my wife is outspoken but by whom?
The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks she is above average.
We may not always see eye to eye but we can try to see heart to heart.
Somewhere on this globe every ten seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
It would be useless to bomb Washington. If you destroy one building they already have two other buildings completely staffed with people doing exactly the same thing.
If you die in an elevator be sure to push the Up button.
Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.
When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?
Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
Times don't change. Men do.
The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.
There was an old Woman who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her government subsidy check came to $4 892.
Siblings: children of the same parents each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.
It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Many wise words are spoken in jest but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
Courage is walking naked through a cannibal village
More and more Congressmen now stay in Washington all year-round because they can't stay at home under the laws they've passed.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
If your wife wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way.
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
The Puritans came to America to worship in their way and to force everybody else to do the same thing.
The American success formula is first to get a home of your own then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.
What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.
The simplest toy one which even the youngest child can operate is called a grandparent.
A woman's place is in the home. Why should she go out and take away a workingman's pay instead of staying home and stealing out of his jacket like a good wife.
I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.
The reason God made man before woman was that he didn't want any suggestions.
Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.
If you want to kill time try working it to death.
You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid please ignore this notice.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor.
Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.
Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.
I'm going to stop putting things off starting tomorrow!
We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.
People more than things have to be restored renewed revived reclaimed and redeemed.
You can't start at the top.
It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet but the stirring.
The whole world is watching America and America is watching TV.
You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.
One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.
Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why he does.