Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
Television is like a great monster eating your gags as fast as you say them.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.
Honolulu it's got everything. Sand for the children sun for the wife sharks for the wife's mother.
Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.
My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!
I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.