People say if bees die out the world would end apparently. Now I don't know if that's true if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document and people believe this.
Neil Armstrong that spaceman he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.
I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse
If you go away with you know a girlfriend wife whatever you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.
You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.
If an animal is named after what it eats how interesting is it?
But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day I've learned a lot.
You don't get anything done by planning
I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.
it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.
It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates you can say what you want to each other and you don't really get that annoyed about it.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
Avocados it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into leave it to the experts.
I've never won many awards I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.
You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.
It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep
If you are living the dream how do you know if you are asleep or awake?
Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.
I saw a bee have a heart attack...
I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.
At some point some insect has had sex with a leaf.
The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists either worship Saint Death.
People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache is it right?
I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.
Chinese people age overnight.
I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work well looked after worth paying money to see.
There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly
All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice but it's weird.
Knowledge is almost annoying...
Why is it alright to be going around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.
When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.
Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare and I was really ill - just like everyone says.
The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now.
I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.
In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.
Shitty nappy whizzing through the air you don't see that in the brochures.
Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.
I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life really.
What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?
We should all love animals.
Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise really.
Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.
That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle yet we both like a biscuit.
A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau
The Web is the new book though innit?
We came from the sea originally now we're going back in it. Don't go in it unless you're in a boat.
People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but theyâ??ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say Iâ??m a div and Dolphins are intelligentâ?¦It just baffles me.
Your dreams should never be better than your real life
I've never worried about life's big questions.
I know who I am. Bloody hell I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him 'cos if I'm not I have no idea who I'm paying for
Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.
I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.
We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings big planes big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?
They say it all started out with a big bang. But what I wonder is was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it I've had enough. Give us another book
By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.
I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?
So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space but you don't believe there's a little banana machine?
I've heard that fact that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought that's dangerous.
Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32 I think I've got the hang of it.
I drive a car like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.
Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.
My brain's just full of passwords.
Be the ugly one look at the nice one.
A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks it can kill you. That's well documented.
From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas I thought you'd be grateful!
I never buy a piece of art. I don't see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually.
Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.
Being honest with you it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'
As long as you're remembering baby Jesus does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.
I've never thought about it before but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to too.
Well...like when you're born you're a little baby you're wrinkly and stuff when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...
I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge but the bedroom is going to be tiny.
I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.
Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
To me a cat is an easy pet they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?
A problem solved is a problem caused.
I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.
With evolution things are always changing so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?
I've learnt that even though I've travelled about I haven't changed that much.
Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.
At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
I came up with a good idea....see-through skin.
If Camels are the ship of the dessert this one is the Titanic
People eat duck and you think well we've got loads of chickens leave the ducks alone!
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean if I called a midget fun-sized they'd kick off.
I'm really happy. I just don't choose to show it.
I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads yet people are going over there to see it.
If you can't do it don't do it.
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoosbut we never saw his wife.
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
If Dracula canâ??t see his reflection how come his partingâ??s always neat?
Comedy's really subjective you know.
It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.
A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say it becomes compromised.
Well I'm trying to think what I put in... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer.
I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
I mean I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.
I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.
If you don't sleep you get run down. Sloths never get a flu cos its good innit thats when your body's replemishing
Could the world fall?
When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.
This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.
You know when you're a producer you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper stuff like that.
It's like the panda they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating
I don't know what the future is but you just do it whilst it's there don't you?
If you don't have a plan you can end up doing some interesting things.
A dog has got human eyes.
I'm more open to give things a go but what I'm not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish I just go I can't be doing it.
What I mean is I don't know what I mean...
I'm just sayin' I don't like fun
I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible and then be pleasantly surprised.
Every step starts with a step.
I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut
Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas I'd rather be mush.
Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.
If you haven't got eyes you shouldn't have wings
It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.
You never see an old man eating a Twix
At the end of the day teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy can we? That's just the way the world is.
That impresses me more inventin' electricity.
The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone â??Oh God. Look at me hair today.â??
I'm not that lazy but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.
It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.
We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say you know an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.
I donâ??t think Iâ??ve ever felt this lost even in Wales.
That's the problem with them fables they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog.
I don't watch much telly the telly hardly goes on but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.
If you had five photos of anuses I could not point mine out.
If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books some television and everything - I'd panic I'd be scared.
They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.
It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose.
It's 2006 why are they still using the index finger?
For me a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.
I've got loads of nieces and nephews.
Stay green stay in the woods and stay safe.
If you live in a glass house don't be chucking stuff about.
The only reason you don't go on holiday is 'cause you have to spend money.
It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.
If youâ??re not happy looking a knob in the face thereâ??s something wrong.
How would I know which one I was?
People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
People say having kids is life changing well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.
Treat the world like a head.
It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey
Yesterday I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.
Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.
Thereâ??s fish in here that Iâ??ve read about that are so see-through that theyâ??re invisible. So I donâ??t even think they know they exist.
What happens if someone else has my eyes and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.
We've had the Iron Age the Stone Age this is the pissin' about age.
We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about
The Tudors I don't even know if I had a family back then.
With identical twins you always get a little snidey one.
There's a lot of idiots in the world so live with it.
It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
You don't have to do it straight away but just do it before it gets really bad
We're just a weed in the universe
Cat food. It stinks a bit but if you don't put up with the smell the little kitten will die.
Stop looking at the walls look out the window.
When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep...
The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.
I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.
I find that if you just talk your mouth comes up with stuff.
Now sometimes I don't know if I feel well. Because I've been in my body for years.
Every problem solved is a problem made.
I donâ??t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.
Whether it's a potato or a nut it's a foodage!
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
We all just want to sit on our ass.
I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.
If youâ??re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks Iâ??d say your lifeâ??s pretty good
Pigeons: They've got wings but they walk a lot...
There is someone for everyone i'nt there. That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think.
Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.