Jarod Kintz Quotes

If anybody can appreciate fine music it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits~?

I want my time to be taken up by chores errands appointments and arguments. In other words I want to get married.

I thought I was eating a candy bar but it turned out to be a yummy burrito. I was both disappointed and appointed at the same time.

I look forward to getting my hopes up. I have an appointment for disappointment.

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant but chicks dig it.

My love is like hooray! Special terms and conditions may apply. See dealer for details. Coupon not valid with any other offer.

If a company won't hire you why don't you start your own company? Steve Jobs created jobs he didn't apply for them. #Startup your dreams.

The wind held the door open for me and I appreciated it. Who knew the breeze was such a southern gentleman?

He told me he was getting married and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No for a band called The Doors a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate.

I chased the chaste and they got scared and scurried. Then I stood still and loved where I was at and all approached without fear of reproach.

When her boyfriend broke his leg I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

I love like a leaf in the wind. Please hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

My cabinet was made by hand. My applause is also made by hand and I stood there clapping the whole time the carpenter was making my cabinet.

Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.

I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for me.

Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.

I have a good ear for music just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

Under the guise of being nice guys the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do.

The cool thing about vests is they have no sleeves. I guess their target market is people with no arms. Raise your hand if you disagree.

Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?

Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor.

Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

This is my logo for Art and Books

A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots roots and bearded forest creatures. Love me now before I remove my undergrowth.

How to arrive unexpectedly and invisibly: show up looking poor but not homeless.

If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late I'll always arrive on time.

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand like two one-armed lovers.

I love running. I'm not into marathons but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

To fast track your business and become the Roger Bannister of personal branding be a connector accumulator accelerator and facilitator of relationships.

A burial should be more than a fire pit arena seating and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.

My last two girlfriends were named Anna though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna it was spelled Anna and that's how I came to tell the two apart.

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

If you think the human body is beautiful you haven't met my uncle Melvin. His cam session starts at 6:00 if you wanna see.

With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing however is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.

To me beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

My heart is closed but open. Closed to one woman in particular but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday through Friday 9-5.

Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.

I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit.

To show you I love you I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it.

Helping others without anticipating or expecting others to help you in return that is the path to spiritual prosperity.

Nothing Everything Anything Something: If you have nothing then you have everything because you have the freedom to do anything without the fear of losing something.

I once tried to light a joint with a fire ant but what did I know? I was high on glue and in the third grade just like grandpa.

She said she loved me and I believed her because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

Love is the science of reducing your sound while upping the amplitude of another person.

Love is being able to be yourself with another human being who makes you want to be better than yourself.

I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.

An anonymous man has no power because nobody knows who he is. But he also has all the strength because he can attack invisibly and without being identified.

I would rather build a relationship than a wall. Can you pass me another brick?

My phone rang a long time so I answered. How long? Eight feet long. My last relationship was half that long. I should be taller in love.

Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered meat beans and cheese you'd be correct.

Her dad died unexpectedly so I hid the flowers because flowers are reminders of spring and life and also of headstones and death. Also I hid the flowers because they were for another woman.

My brain is divided into two butterflies and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden I've got my whole life.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

Today is your special day even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you're not Australian it doesn't negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is "If looks could kill.

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest like Australia.

I just bought a bag of poetry but it was mostly air. The author must have learned from the potato chip industry.

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.

It was a cold night so I got a fire going. I lit a scented candle.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish or you can introduce him to a woman named Fish who happens to look like a trout.

Do I attribute my success to hard work or sunscreen? If you want the truth maybe you should ask my new albino secretary.

My attic is the size of a can of cat food only filled with more meows and not as tasty. So you see I have nowhere to store all my love but in your heart.

He attacked me so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

I once winked at a Cyclops and then immediately felt awkward as she kept blinking at me.

I talked to him on Christmas and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

I once got 7th place in a swim meet. Being top 8 is an accomplishment especially when you consider that including me there were seven competitors.

Love can make a flower more fragrant a blue sky bluer and an empty bank account emptier. I should probably sign up for another credit card.

According to research from punchaguywithglasses.com homeless people are making as much money as most recent college graduates.

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy that jig is awfully jiggly.

The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome.

I am the coffee and God is The Barista. Through me he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista.

I am a social outcast shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me and only comes around every two years.

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

Dinner was good. The conversation was great but the food was bad so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.

My I love you was a measured response like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul.

An award would be more prestigious if it came with a supplemental income for a year so you could focus on repeating your title.

I accidentally sealed the box shut with my penis still inside not realizing I may need to use it later. Being in love can be so distracting.

I wasn't fast asleep. But only because I was sleep walking and I'm not a speed walker.

Growing up I was so poor I wore coffee cups as shoes. The good part was my feet never fell asleep.

How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.

Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to Will you marry me?Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.

Love is trench warfare. So stand aside and let me keep digging.

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things I have everything I need. Well aside from love.

I asked her to wear something revealing so she showed up in a prophet's toga.

She asked me if I was seeing anybody else and I said No the other woman is invisible.

If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room I always ask How about the kitchen?

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman I'd probably reply "Two gallons of milk and a midget.

During the murder investigation the cop said I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it I replied Yes I will marry you.

The world is my canvas and my ponytail is my paintbrush. Helen Keller probably had a ponytail too though my art has more vision. Barely.

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population like mental mayonnaise we'd have more art less war and higher cholesterol.

Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart.

I am passionate about creating not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

Any fool can masturbate but it takes a real artist to make it look like sex.

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined. Well at least ever since Bob Ross moved on to the land of the happy trees.

I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas because that's all you see. Oh and I used a nice frame. I think that's important. I believe the best art uses the most imagination.

This is my logo for Two-Faced

This is my logo for Ora

The mouth is made for communication and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love but I was merely asleep.

I wrote a thesis on love and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course I also got blood on the paper because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.

My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?

People come and people go but only a magical person can come and go at the same time.

I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not because knock or no knock every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.

She has a body for years and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0 solve for x.

The clouds are like marble in the sky and I just want to make a kitchen counter out of the atmosphere. I can cook like a flock of birds.

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

Out of all the guys she could love I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that hurts. And it feels good.

The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be fruit flavored!

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore if I aspire to be anything in the world it's to be a lighthouse. And you my midget sidekick you can be my flashlight.

My advice to aspiring writers is to read more write more and network more. More more and more. Then after you've done all that do it some more.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

He said he came in second place so I assumed there were only two competitors. But you never know with love there may have been a third party involved.

I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

I always wear gloves so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

I saw her from afar. The game was afoot. I had astiffy.

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well at least compared to my ex wife.

We made love like two smiles torturing a frown. My advice is to put it on the rack and really stretch out the event.

I need to condense my adrenaline carbonate it sweeten it and sell it as an energy drink.

A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes I am an adrenaline junky.

I love advertising because I love self-promotion. I love mirror time which is Me Time.

I am not adventurous though I can manage to look at and enjoy sunsets. However sunrises scare me.

If my name were Theodore Tiffany my goal in life would be to meet and marry a woman named Tiffany Theodore. I adore that idea.

I went out to eat on a restaurant's opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I'd be dining there and came to adore me.

Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago because both are forever out of reach.

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person would I be Wisdom Man~?

Surviving cancer is cool but surviving old age is cooler.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

Love is about forgiveness. And since I love you you should forgive me.

Drawing on my past experiences I used a lot of erasers. My aging wisdom is starting to look a lot like a nude portrait of Alice Neel.

I dated an IRS agent and I cheated on her. Not with a woman but on my taxes.

I like to spoon after I fork.

I'm not afraid of death I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

The problem with being a cop is you spend all your time around criminals. After all eight hours out of every day of our lives are spent with coworkers.

I rearranged the letters of the word Wisdom and got swimod.Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.

I make love like my afternoon shadow is long. I'll bring the foreplay if you bring the guacamole. (Yes I know there is a 99-cent upcharge.)

I drink coffee like steam is the ghost of dead water. Ever tried inhaling the afterlife?

I just bought some long-lasting deodorant. You know for the afterlife. Eternity is a long time to have stinky armpits.

Go to a cemetery for the scenery. After you die go back to the cemetery to become one with nature.

I want to weigh less not through diet and exercise but by acquiring a faulty scale.

A brand is built action by action just as houses are built brick by brick. Is the identity of your personal brand homeless?

You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal but your brand is eternal.

I am a man of action like a statue of a guy running. In business when a salesman and a customer race each other both win.

Through my quick action I was able to capture her mannerism and store it in a jar. It looks like mayonnaise but it tastes like love.

I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.

His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.

Any lustful fool can love a million women but only a real man can love one woman cloned a million times.

I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.

To know is good but to know how to use that knowledge is better. And to acknowledge the wisdom in this is the best.

Don't marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

There's a hurricane coming to Florida and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.

Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.

If silence is the admission of guilt then she must be really guilty because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering she went to sleep for eight hours.

Love is like whoa! Actually it's closer to woe.

Entrepreneurs adopt the ways of the adept and adapt to a changing environment. Actually entrepreneurs are more enterpreneurs because they are forever entering into new territory.

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

When someone insults me I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.

Clothes are expensive. Save money and become a nudist. Remember: Fashions may change but naked is always in style.

In the absence of an abyss I filled my invisible void with love.

Leave the cage open. If you love someone give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.

We made love like a frugal rug is covered with mud. I always take off my shoes before I get in the shower. Well almost always.

I was eavesdropping but I was so into what she was saying that when she said I love you I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano while I watched TV alone.

Bury the truth along with the bodies of the disbelievers.

I keep my love for her in the ashtray along with the other stuff she burnt.

I keep my fears chained up in the basement along with a few of my foes.

Love now not later. Also love later.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a poem about me once. You might know it as the Gettysburg Address. Men with beards are romantic.

There are 26 characters in the alphabet and what characters they are! Especially Q.

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet like C U and E because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

He was my distant cousin. Not only was he 50 miles away and 50 years away but he was just very aloof.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep love is a feeling.

My goal is to be as forgiving as a man with amnesia but love as if I remember and cherish all the things you do that make me smile.

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

Me: On time. Women: Late. Death: Early.

Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously why are you late?

Love is an empty bottle and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it

Empty pockets full of empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I have for her. My heart burns with desire. My mouth also burns.

I feel like something warm. Apple pie with two slices of bread and roast beef covered in a winter coat.

I may look like someone you know. I resemble an apple pie.

A zebra has stripes the American flag has stripes and I have an erection. Coincidence?

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough if I keep giving it alcohol.

The music had me intoxicated. The alcohol had me drunk. I partied so hard I threw up and in a moment of nauseousness I vowed to never listen to music again.

I used the boos and not the booze as motivation. That led to applause which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill.

Sunny days are the perfect days to spy on people. Especially at night (offer only valid for residents of Alaska).

Nostalgia is being blind to the bad and only remembering the good. Thinking about all the love I had for her is a positively Helen-Kelleresque experience.

Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound exactly like Beethoven when he wrote and discarded his 10th symphony.

I believe in true love. But my opinion is tainted because I also believe in Bigfoot aliens and in the existence of honest politicians.

You should plan ahead so people know roughly where to start digging to look for you.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah to be young and naughtily nautical.

I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah isn't fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?

I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah such is love.

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

For our third date Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn't have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids and open your eyes to your wounds.

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.

I think a rocking chair should at least be able to play air guitar before you call it rocking.

If you bring bring the karaoke machine I'll bring the air guitar. Also if you bring two brings like I just brought we can have a Redundancy Party.

I want to be like air. Invisible yet everybody needs me in their life.

I suspended my disbelief and left it floating in mid air.

I often wear camouflaged pants so when I walk I look like a floating torso. I love with the same air of mystery.

My cup is full of air. I should empty it and fill it with love. Or coffee as the two are synonymous to me.

I want to conserve energy expenditure by reducing our air intake. Save lives by saving your I love yous and holding your breath for the duration of your relationship.

Earlier tonight somebody robbed an all-you-can-eat buffet. Suspect at large.

She wants to teach me to dance but how do you instruct water to flow? I'm so fluid all you can do is swim in my moves and drink my essence.

The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile it contains all my love for you.

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once. My love for you is starved and dehydrated and all I need is one spoon.

I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry desert-like existence with him.

Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

Love is the hero of all emotions. My love for you is a superhero and it looks great hidden behind a mask.

Love is all you need in this world. Well at least until you die of thirst or you freeze to death.

The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.

The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you women.

I have women all over the world. In New York London Los Angeles. I think what they find most appealing about me is the distance.

A band should be more famous than an individual because all else being equal the band has more mothers and fathers to lend support.

Improve your life by taking advantage of new technologies like bleach and a drinking glass. Show your love for the globe by reducing an overpopulated world by one.

A brick could be used to keep warm and a blanket could be used to build a house.

I smiled and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.

In a blind taste-test my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.

When I was a kid I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid I was a full-fledged goat.

For my birthday a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also they were kind enough to fill it up with cat litter.

Playing basketball I blew out my knee like it was a birthday candle. Sports are so much more fun to play when sitting at a table and opening presents and eating cake.

33 old people went into a nursing home and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.

I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.

Last night my shadow exploded into hundreds of fluttering black birds foreshadowing my love taking flight under the cover of camouflage.

I saw two lizards kissing yesterday but I scared them off. Maybe I should have taken off my bird costume before peeping on them.

Love splattered on my life like bird shit on a windshield.

Jacksonville's official bird is the butterfly. The butterfly is also Jacksonville's official flower.

She wanted to know if I loved her so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.

Love is a speedy bird that looks like a fish. If you catch one in the sky try not to drown.

0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50 only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.

My life was unbalanced. That is until I found love and grew a second leg.

It's a black and white issue: gray is grey and there's no two ways about it.

A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through I should hire a ghostwriter.

I had a dream about you. You were in love with me and I only had eyes for you. Of course I had other body parts to offer you one long on in particular.

I tried telling him without telling him through body language and I observed he was unobservant.

I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron because your body needs it to live particularly if an attacker is wielding a sword at you.

Love with all your heart. And the rest of your body. Oh and your mind too.

Like a ballet dancer she keeps me on my toes. This dance we're doing it keeps me so fit I know she's a perfect fit for me.

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

I miss her like 0 1 1 2 3 and 5 misses 8. When we made love our two bodies formed one spiral that seemed to cycle to the sky.

Love is an intense flickable mystery like a booger.

There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well that and I actually thought it was my mother's father for the longest time.

As a balloon expands so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you look no further than the balloon giraffe.

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love but I call it water conservation.

She plants love and she grows roses. The fragrance of romance comes from the blossom that blooms in the heart.

The object I stabbed him with was all bloody. Fortunately for him the blood was on the tampon before I stabbed him and not a result of the stabbing.

Blood may be thicker than water but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.

Love is like war except without all the blood and death and stuff.

Love is a blur. So is this picture. But what do you expect? Murder is fuzzy like a peach. Yummy!

Flower petals in the breeze look like a butterfly flapping its wings. My love for you takes flight like a white orchid blushing pink.

In high school I used to sing in the shower. None of the football players liked it because they were all naked and I was in a tuxedo.

If my name were Nubby Blues I wouldn't be a jazz musician I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.

The sky was as blue as orange could get. I love sunsets at noon and forks disguised as spoons.

Her last name was Purchase and I was sold. I tried to buy but as there was only one of her she was OUT OF STOCK. Better luck tomorrow.

I got married at a good time though a better time would have been 20 years from now.

If pens doubled as bullets I bet few writers would want to write about war.

Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined.

The wealthier I get the more money I will have to not have because my goal in getting is giving and nothing is better than charity.

My penis is looooooong. Wait I think I left off an O. Probably better that way so I can use it as my middle initial.

When tragedy befalls me and someone says Better you than me I always reply Yes I am better than you.

A smile is like a simile if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

The best ingredient is free. Free always makes food taste better.

The four years I spent in college were the best five years of my life.

My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.

Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.

My wife and I were together for two years. Those were the best two days of my life.

My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones I have to be the best me first.

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

The best part about getting a blowjob is unwrapping the tinfoil. I like mine with lots of ketchup.

Using my nipples as bait I went fishing for compliments. I got a few bites but nothing to write about in Field & Stream.

I am the time machine of love. Quick pull my big lever!

I know a thing or two about love. Well maybe just a thing. A big blurry thing like Bigfoot.

I swallow my own lies with big gulps as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier than a dishonest I love you.

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment.

I'm bilingual speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.

The ocean in the sky keeps my love fresh like boat shoes that are too big to fail. My heart is flooded with feelings like Noah one knows.

The cop wanted to know what was in the bag. I said Another cop.

I snorted a whole bag of powdered pink flamingoes and it was enough to power me through my blues.

The schizophrenic in the sleeping bag with a live chicken and a can of tomato soup spilling onto the sidewalk had no right to steal my street performance.

Between hello and goodbye is I love you.

How many midget feet can you fit in your shoes? Depends on how big your penis is. Mine is 17 syllables long like a haiku.

How big is my penis? Big enough to touch my hands.

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe and do you know where it gets its energy from? From a generator I have hooked up to a stationary bicycle.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

Coaching 101: First you build the team and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.

Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

I collect human skin. I keep it all on the bumper of my car.

My car would look better with a mustache for a bumper. Then pedestrians would know that I am a superior lover just before I hit on them.

We made love like we made grilled cheese sandwiches. Did the sandwiches cause us to have sex? Did one bullet lead to WWI?

I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.

If religion is a crutch then society is the broken foot.

After months of training I broke the record. Then right after that I celebrated by scratching all my CDs.

For me TV and broke go together. Not as in The TV is broken but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.

She grew broccoli and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.

When I got married I could not have chosen a more gorgeous loving or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.

After they broke up Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth by I. Brows

To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends unless her only friend is her sister.

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden and nailed to the floor.

I need more frugality. I wonder where I can buy some.

On TV I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.

If you could buy time I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive and tomorrow would be cheap.

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

Excuse me madam but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin C?

We made love sweet and gentle like strawberry jelly. Peanut butter makes me horny.

We made love like two sticks of butter melting in the snow. I mean freezing.

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

The width of the with is not as wide as the without but the path is a more enjoyable walk because you are not walking alone.

Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.

Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).

Some people grow vegetables by day but I grow shadows by night. Right now my only customer is the US government but the profit is unbelievable.

The birds bark my name and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.

We no longer know each other. Hell I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?

I water my driveway and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

I want to be a naughty pirate because when I put on that eye patch it barely covers my genitals.

I made plans out of hope expectation desire and duct tape and I broke those plans with my bare hands.

My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura but then someone gave me some socks. That was mighty kind of them.

I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.

Her love was too cold like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn just like coffee and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters I poop burritos and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.

Instead of burning the midnight oil you should try selling it.

Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.

Free pyramids! Buy one get one half buried.

The business of business is people not products or services. Take care of the people and the people will take care of you.

I had a dream about you. I was a small business owner and you were also a small business owner. The difference was I was a sole proprietor and you were a midget.

Once the bar gets set too high simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a lot more chin-ups done this way.

I got hit on at the bar last night and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so sexy that you offend I guess.

I wanted a divorce so I bought myself a house to give me the incentive to stay married.

A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression because it would bounce right back.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said "Family Size " and I thought That's odd I didn't know too many families showered together.

Yesterday was my last day at work. My coworkers were so sad they all pitched in and bought me a one-way ticket to Seattle and a bottle of cyanide in case I get thirsty.

I read trash. Empty cereal boxes empty shampoo bottles the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But why bother? To promote an open-door policy I had all the walls knocked down.

The banana peel is the condom of the fruit world.

Love and I have been a duo since empty banana peel.

I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana I roll on a condom.

I'm not interested in you as a person. I am however interested in you as a banana.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

Is that a ziggurat in your pocket or are you just Mesopotamia? You should know I sell happy-to-see-me's & bananas individually or by the pocketful.

I both made the knife-fighting team and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.

We made love like two folding lawn chairs. We were both motionless but the possibility of movement permeated the moment.

If girlfriends were knees I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way it'd be easier to run around on them.

The thing we have in common is we both love to make love. Maybe one day we can merge our mutual interest and make love to each other.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.

To make my meal in a box taste better I decided to tweak the logo rather than the ingredients.

When it comes to Schopenhauer I think I need a To-Go box.

I own my own shoelaces but my shoes I rent by the bowling game.

Agatha loved military men. Actually she loved men in uniform. And my bowling league outfit used to drive her wild with desire.

Toilet bowl basins need to be deeper because every time I sit down my penis clogs the pipe.

I bowl with cannonballs because this is war 1863 style. I could probably bowl a perfect 300 game using only half the deaths at Gettysburg.

I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?

I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.

You will know my power when you feel me compress you into a ball and bowl with you. I make love like I just rented these fabulous shoes.

I got rid of my car and bought a garage band instead. Music gets better gas mileage.

I know I love her because when I see her my heart beats like a drum. If she played guitar and sang we could start a band.

I abandoned my banned band and as the lead singer I felt like my throat was full of desert sand. That's to be expected after doing coke in the desert with BBMak.-Jarod Kintz and Crystal Woods

Hungry and thirsty? Soup solves both problems at once.

I like the crunch sound of snow under my boots. Better than stepping on knuckles.

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes we could boost productivity profitability and employment. Think like a politician.

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

The shape of her smile is curved like a lie like a boomerang she knows she has to catch quickly when it comes back to her.

Some people read books on musicians while I read music books. Not books on music but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.

Books are portable companions. But so are midgets.

The internet is a knowledge omelet. Sometimes I just want the purity of scrambled eggs that only a book can provide.

I wore a long white dress shirt and no pants so it looked like a white dress. I felt like a bride in love. Well at least until my boss fired me.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Love is a rainbow a bridge of bright colors. On the scale of love I can go from Leprechaun to pot of gold in under 38 inches.

Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust honesty and in our case wooden planks.

A brick could be modified to be a cell phone for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size of the 1980s.

A brick could be used as a deodorant deterrent. Just ask any stinky Congressman.

A brick could be crushed into powder like cocaine and snorted to stimulate the previous highs of the housing market.

A brick should decide who gets to rule the people and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors.

A helicopter is just like a flying ceiling fan. My love is the journey of the breeze.

When I find the wind to say I love you it will be breezy like a hurricane.

I would have fought the forest fire but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire and I forgot my sword my pen and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.

A unicorn breathes rainbows like a dragon breathes fire. My coffee breathes Jarod Kintz quotes.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest but highly profitable.

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it like a porn farmer.

I'll bring "The Hammer " let's have a Thorsome.

My breath smells like fish. I need to gargle tartar sauce.

Man is solid not liquid. But with the fluid nature of networking my personal brand would grow faster if I would just go with the flow.

If you don't think you need to develop your personal brand my advice for you comes in the wisdom of two road signs: STOP; DEAD END.

I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation.

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust not toothpicks rubber bands and lentil beans.

I shave my face like a car. I speed through car washes but I brake for love.

The radio signal was scrambled and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.

Sometimes love will break your heart in two. Or three depending on if there's an extra person involved or how unmanageably large your heart is.

What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

I want a coffee machine that runs on gasoline and drives me to work. We can make love in the backseat next to the cream and sugar.

One great thinker said one thing another said another and while the two thoughts are contradicting the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches we fill the time with silence.

My ex girlfriend was exquisite and my current one is quisite.

My ex girlfriend and I we had chemistry together. And right after that we had biology.

My name is a half an hour early but my body is on time.

Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient and when you are wasting time by waiting.

I have no regrets. Just original grets.

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

To get people to notice you you must be unique. If I were invisible everybody would see me for who I am as a person.

My initials are J.O.K. and then there is a silent "E" on the end. And not only is it silent but it's also invisible.

Music is inaudible to deaf people just as dancing is invisible to me.

I just started seeing someone which is a relief because the last girl I dated was invisible.

A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.

People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad so does that mean I look invisible?

To be invisible paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

The road to hell isn't paved with gold it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it.

When you get to know them most professional fighters are big teddy bears. I say that having been beat up by a few stuffed animals.

My heart only grows more powerful the more my flowing love goes unabsorbed unobserved and unappreciated.

I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love but bad for beer.

I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace because peace leads to prosperity prosperity leads to decadence and decadence leads to diabetes.

The with is shorter than the without but the with makes the without bearable as the shadow of memory is long and bright. Let this be a lesson in love.

I want a beard as white as snow and two feet deep.

I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.

A bear trap eats but does not drink. My love however drinks but does not eat.

Even the ocean waves take their hellos to the people all the time. I should take my hellos down to the beach and sell waves to the tourists.

I have a strong opinion on steroids.

To me a good friend is one who doesn't talk but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

Chairs have legs. Four of them like my father. Meow.

My father inherited my old looks.

My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.

We made love like there was no tomorrow. Looking back we should have made love like there was no yesterday.

I wanted to tell her "I love you" back but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break) I ended up completely forgetting.

To stop a battle a politician would propose a war.

Love says hello and hate says goodbye. Your mom also says hello.

My mom gave me life so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.

Like a pair of dead batteries I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

In the lobby of every business incubator there needs to be a bathtub to get the ideas flowing. But to make it funktional it needs to be used as a fish tank.

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course this is all a bit premature.

Two mustaches walk into a bar and the bartender said "Can I get you a drink?" Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing because they'd each left their mouth at home.

Our love was soggy like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

I am the bathtub of desire but damnit woman I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

I watched the sunset from the comfort of my bathtub which has a clear bottom so I had an unobstructed view.

I went to Bath and Body Works this morning because I really needed a shower. Hygiene is important to society I have discovered.

Music has the power to shake society especially if the bass is turned way up.

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

I am a slave to your love. Well more like indentured servant.

I got excited when I saw a midget and then disappointed when I realized it was just a child. Those things are so common.

I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better.

Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.

It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power yet remain detached from any personal blame.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick pulled up my pants and got back to work.

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

My ex-girlfriend was exquisite while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

She makes my heart flutter like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.

If you catch me talking in my sleep your conversation bored me.

I played hard for four quarters and I took home a dollar. And with college being about pay to play I earned my spot on the bench.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family as I always run from my fears.

Everyone is a salesman and the product is each person. Personal branding is being conscious to the continual nature of selling yourself.

Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achieve it. And while I wait I may as well get busy being short-tempered.

I walk like a guitar being strummed and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude they complained about my music being too loud.

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim after you karate chop them into submission.

A sex trophy should be functional and shaped like a dildo yet decorative and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup one floor below my unit.

I belong and my penis it be long.

I remember the day coach decided to bench me. We were walking in a botanical garden.

I still have wagon splinters stuck to my ass from when my high school coach made me ride the bench.

Making benches is no walk in the park. It takes one a lot of love to make a bench and then it takes two to make love on that bench.

Trees shaped like deer should not be ridden like benches if they get stuck up in other trees. No hunting farming allowed. Fishing only.

I count as blessings things I could have benefited from even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift even if left wrapped and unopened.

A relationship is a sales process and sometimes you must buy to sell and when you sell it is to the benefit of both of you.

Not only do I not believe in not believing in God I'm also a big supporter of crutches canes walkers and anything that helps support man through difficult times.

In a battle of believability the winner is the one with the best body language not the clearest logic.

To become one who believes two become one you need love in your life.

I took a picture of a flooding river hoping to get a beaver shot. Naughty.

You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know because I don't know.

The faster I work the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.

Enjoy a life of poverty. Become a poet.

I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33 a gallon and rising.

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it because the salesman really beat me up over the price.