People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
It's good to be here. At 98 it's good to be anywhere.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe you'd cheat with some ugly girl.
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.
I like women to be attracted to me. See when you get 60 years old and they know you're 60 the only women you can get are 55-year-old women and I like younger women.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity I would have to say it is avoiding worry stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me I'd still have to say it.
If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
When I'm in front of an audience all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.
At my age flowers scare me.
I would go out with women my age but there are no women my age.
Be sure to wear a good cologne a nice aftershave lotion and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes too.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that you've got it made.
She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
And God said 'Let there be Satan so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides I can't die now - I'm booked.
If I get big laughs I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs I'm a singer.
I was brought up to respect my elders so now I don't have to respect anybody.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked Burns said 'No ... he's dead.'
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
How can I die? I'm booked.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there I eat breakfast.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays but you know it's there.
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
When Jack Benny has a party you not only bring your own scotch you bring your own rocks.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
There are many ways to die in bed but the best way is not alone.
Don't stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.
This is the sixth book I've written which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending then having the two as close together as possible.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
Joy is obtaining a big loving caring shut-knit household in yet another town.
At home we ate fish every Friday as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
Happiness? A good cigar a good meal a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar first I'd sleep with it.
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar first I'd make love to it then I'd smoke it.
Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
By [age] 93 I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
I drink coffee with my right hand and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
First you forget names then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.
Much later in life though Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all I'm older than most western countries.
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.
Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.
I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it you are a success.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
Being an actor is easy just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
It's better to be happy doing something you love even if you don't find success right away.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down no problem.
This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.
Life's but a day at most.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.
Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home because the soup is hot.
There's an old saying 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.
Sex can be fun after eighty after ninety and after lunch!
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
If you live to be one hundred you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script and they pay me enough I'll do it.
Say Goodnight Gracie.
I would read Playboy more often but my glasses keep steaming up.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world it's time to turn out the lights.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
I love to sing and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there but I want to make sure it's in my key.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this but it was around before I was.
I never go jogging it makes me spill my martini.
Young. Old. Just Words.
As long as you're working you stay young.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough you get to be new again.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one there was another on the way.
I get a standing ovation just standing
I spent a year in that town one Sunday.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies and I'm a senior citizen so I can see myself at half price.
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.