My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
When I was 10 I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Santa Fe is fun to visit but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
You know a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
My girlfriend said Emo I'm seeing another man. I said Well try rubbing your eyes or something.
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said Get off me you two!
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
When I went to college my parents threw a going away party for me according to the letter.
If an asteroid is coming toward you you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10 go and save 1 000 kids from blindness!
I got some new underwear the other day. Well new to me.
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose except band together.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again and Hey where did you learn that?
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards but...
My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well you get nervous waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted "I am a bulemic".
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather who said: 'A truck!'
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.
Ambiguity â?? the Devil's volleyball.
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
People always ask me 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well I don't have an alibi.
You know at parties people always ask 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well I don't have an alibi!
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
I once had a large gay following but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time anywhere. Having said that the more you put yourself out there the better your odds will be.
I was in a bar the other night hopping from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads where they are safe.
Well my brother says Hello. So hooray for speech therapy.
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
I love England. In fact they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky but there's never any gum under any of them.
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
My girlfriend said Just buy me something crazy and expensive something I don't even need! So I signed her up for radiation treatment.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
I asked my girlfriend 'Will you marry me?' She said 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says 'Hello!'
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
They have a sign at the beach "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
If you can make just one person laugh then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I ran five miles today. Then finally I said 'Here lady... take your purse.'
I'm from Downer's Grove Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
When I was a kid my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well whose fault is that?'
Back in high school my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them Why limit yourselves?
I'm a great lover I'll bet.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited and placing bets.
I'm filthy stinking rich - well two out of three ain't bad.
I'm not Catholic but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
My grandmother's brain was dead but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
Women: You can't live with them and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My computer beat me at checkers but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
I was walking down the street. something caught my eye and dragged it fifteen feet.
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like this time it's on December 25th.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Don't wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes fifteen trees just for the protest signs?
Some comedians change their style often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
When I wake up in the morning I just can't get started until I've had that first piping hot pot of coffee. Oh I've tried other enemas.
The way I understand it the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
People come up to me and say 'Emo do people really come up to you?'
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining if only in a pathological way for five minutes.
When deciding between two competing theories always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
There's a joke in everything the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Computers aren't intelligent they only think they are.
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
You should get married. When I was younger I was into the fame and fortune and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
When I was a kid my goodness corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I tried body surfing once but how often do you find a corpse?
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race nationality or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because you know... You break it you buy it.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod it can't help but rush your timing.
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish but with fewer words for luxury items.
Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy...
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So that'll save some time.
He taught me never to smile which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said "Like what?" I said "Well it keeps you from being Mormon ...
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
For some reason religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Actually my cd was released in 1985 in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
The other day a woman came up to me and said Didn't I see you on television? I said I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
When I was ten my family moved to Downer's Grove Illinois. When I was twelve I found them.
I'm not a fatalist; even if I were what could I do about it?
I was at the Wal-Mart which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out it was just my gas oven exploding.
When I was a kid my dad would say "Emo do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say "Yes!" He'd say "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
I've been at stand-up for years: after a while you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.
I went into the gas station said Fill 'er up Harry. The guy said Regular? I said No put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Recently I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Whatever happened to the good ole days when children worked in factories?
Girls throw their panties on the stage but rarely if ever do they fit.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any they gave you some.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no I take that back.
The other night the president gave a speech. He said "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought "let's hope it never comes to that".
My dad and I we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day I saw this game on TV and I said Hang on how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.
Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
Pentiums melt in your PC not in your hand.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
I lent a friend of mine $10 000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
My dad always said If someone hands you a lemon make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
My mother was like a sister to me only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.
So I'm at the wailing wall standing there like a moron with my harpoon.
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
I'll do anything for my wife it's turning out.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
I was sleeping the other night alone thanks to the exterminator.
I used to be scared of pretty girls until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said "I'd like a card." He says "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
When I was a kid I slept on rubber sheets but now I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
But I like to swim. At high school I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy...
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind but it tickles so much!