Approached literally there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout you'd better not cry and Don't scream.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die there's no shame in it.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
Competition is the death of art.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
I once felt bad because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
Life is like The Muppet Show but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function getting the hard part over with anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself said the guidance counsellor stifling a laugh.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Had an audition for a pilot today but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
If you read angry political blogs substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
They say that God is in the details. Then again they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy talk about awkward...
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning I'm like whew!
The average permanent lasts about four months.
Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.
Take away the robots and the special effects and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words on your face.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said By the way you know I'm fake right?
There is no fast easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates he would look out of place with his intelligence compassion and gaping head wound.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity horses and dressing up like a ghost?
I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
The magazine at the health food store said Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me we're all gonna stop aging...
If life begins at conception but you can be born again later only to live on eternally after death what's the big deal about anything?
I used to fear living a life untouched by God but now for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing now.
Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars I am nutraged at their new high price.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Always remember you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control altar boys would have a uterus.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me always the bridesmaid...
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Christ was born in a manger laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
This is just a hunch but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
In an effort to look cool I am going to stop shouting Hey you! at airplanes.
If God is all powerful and Jesus is the son of God why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
I don't want to appear to be placing blame but as far my life is concerned everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Because of Bluetooth headsets it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think that poor woman.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.
In the land of the blind the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
I know that big important things don't just come together overnight but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
In a world of war pain and suffering all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
I take the Bible literally but not seriously.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because it's so full of dreams. Actually it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.
There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is Never in the long history of bungee jumping...
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If God had wanted women to have giant fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
I would think if you were horny enough there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
I'm going to live until I die and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
I try to live in the moment but by the time I get there it's too late.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough tough man business.
I try to look on the bright side but it really hurts my eyes.
I've never slept with a virgin but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
When you break life down it's about 100% time management.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it I'll make it.
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.
Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early then lie around all day and lick their balls.
Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason it's suddenly remembering the reason.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
As hipster chicks age and their skin starts to sag tramp stamps sink below waistbands like the sun slipping into the sea...
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
If Jesus was a baby there was a point on that Holiest of nights in that Holiest of mangers where he made a big Holy load.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
Like many indelible family memories carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
My dog is so old she now has a lot of cats.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
As Global Warming raises temparatures it takes longer to cool pies on window sills and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.
What if you went to Hell and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
Centuries ago human beings created marriage. Later they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
If you don't believe in the living dead how do your explain the Golf Channel?
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy check out any recent photo of me.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat for your comfort.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
Chocolate covered peanuts chocolate covered raisins chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
When homeless people go camping how do they know?
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
Every time the circus comes to town I can't help thinking Somewhere out there there's clown semen.
The circus goes from town to town so why run away to join it? It should be I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!
Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach please don't turn against all pedophiles.
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.
Why is it when I have nothing to do I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
When I found out that coffins are padded I stopped fearing death.
Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.
If I ever go into a coma one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
If studies on lab rats are any indication human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big scary cat being let into their cage.
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
Whoever coined the phrase killing two birds with one stone not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is when you look at it it has boobs.
Corn is the only food you hold like corn.
For men there are costumes like fireman policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
We come into this world naked covered in our own blood screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
My dogs love me. Of course by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
I love my dog but since the kids came along the petting has gone out of our relationship.
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen it would have spent many long days in the dryer.
I'm a workaholic only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
Why do old people drive with their mouths open?
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane I won't say anything and then later I'll die of cancer.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often odds are they're a douchebag.
Since the dawn of time primitive humans thought loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
I don't really like myself but I'm way into me physically.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
If pop music reflects the culture this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.
If you're selling something on Craiglist it's never a good idea to end the description with May have lice.
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
Despite a primitive brain the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
Even if I say Everyone in the village died of diarrhea I still laugh a little after diarrhea.
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.
Death's vigilance is eternal so shall mine be.
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
I went to high school with some wonderful people but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
A lot of people have a particular song that no matter their mood turns them on. With me it's Eleanor Rigby.
It might not be rational but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
When I was in high school girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now I'd be their king. Time machine where are you?
The older I get the more I look like my favorite shoes.
Somewhere there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean someone else.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
As I die and my life flashes before my eyes I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems I think I want to be a ventriloquist.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.
Whenever someone starts a statement with Let me tell you the kind of guy I am that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
I don't like to generalize but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts he's probably killed three or four children.
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest' 'Germaniacal Japandamonium' 'World War 1: New Moon'.
Every day is a gift. That said I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years...
Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?
Where is the good will in the thought I was going to throw this in the garbage do you want to wear it?
What men say: I'm sorry honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties and when they become hip again we'll all say we were kidding.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964 and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like Hey that's how I look reflected in the pond!
I have one phobia snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
One day they will invent a time machine and like the internet it will be used primarily for boning.
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.
I tried synchronized swimming but felt over time I was just going through the motions.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
The more women walk around in sweat pants the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one bring it home and the next thing you know you're looking for a knife.
To really make it look like Santa came I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends but this morning she said Have a shagadelic day sweetheart.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.
I'll never be alone because I'll always have My Problems with me!
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
If I masturbate while Googling myself which part is more redundant?
We all enter this world in the same way: naked screaming soaked in blood. But if you live your life right that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
How come when people wear half shirts it's always the top half?