Tucker Max Quotes


You know even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So like in your micro-world or in your niche you're kind of like a celebrity.

Unless you plan on making academia your life all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist very much so. My world revolves around me.

If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours you should get counseling for it.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none.

My writing is authentic and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.

Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for but harder to keep.

Listen to authority figures because of their position but only believe them if they can explain why.

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty I hate stupidity and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

Before I was famous I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

If your parents ignored you or if they are just not emotionally available or if they yell a lot that is a type of trauma.

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta but I grew up in Kentucky outside of Lexington in Winchester.

I never felt pressured to create more stories but dealing with people became really aggravating.

I tell the truth and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh and when you're talking to your friends you can't bullshit.

I've heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a "professor

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent I have an amazing life and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy excessive alcohol and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

I love women I love alcohol and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl he kept it to himself.

Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.

That's the beauty of alcohol. If you don't remember it it didn't happen.

Frankly I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future.

I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people or worse ways than some people or better ways than some people.

Probably the best explanation for my success and other Internet writers is that we're tapping a genre or a niche out there that needs to be filled and isn't.

The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't.

When your buddy tells you a movie is good that's worth 2 000 commercials.

The vast majority of all consequences especially in 21st century America are completely meaningless bullshit.

Publishing companies are like schoolyard bullies that can't even fight well.

You can't fill your emails with crap at least not with my friends because they're brutal. If something sucks they'll tell you.

Even if I was a Republican George Bush would have pushed me out of that party.

Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late.

Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls! Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.

You can't do anything yourself on TV... unless you have a LOT of money but you can do an independent movie.

Fat girls aren't real people.

Tell beautiful women they are smart and smart women they are beautiful.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person. Your behavior does.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person I just do bad things.' No that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others just say what you really think.

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.

Before you're famous it's stuff that seems like it'd be really cool but once you get it you realize it's not bad but it's kind of hollow and meaningless.

I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore.

Failure either ruins you or turns you into the man you can become.

Most of my success I feel comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe consensual things that make you happy I can guarantee you they're bad people.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit but really there's not being much written for them.

When I give speeches at college I don't tell stories I talk about what it is to live your dreams and take the path less traveled.

I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious.

Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.

... the devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for ...

There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.

You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

Look at the scope of writers who sell stuff. I'm at the very top of the power curve in terms of sales.

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me" Tucker: "I don't understand the question.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say 'Give me all of that.

Hey man so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse.

Theatrical success is predominantly two variables: who the distributor is and how much money they spend.

We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.

You play crotch roulette you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

The only thing that someone could say about me that would hurt me would be something that's true that I don't want to be.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

I'm a decent-looking guy but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out.

I was not developmentally disabled but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

I am Shiva Destroyer of Worlds.

Failure instructs failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you.

Motherfucker. She leaves me no choice. Now I have to break her self-esteem sleep with her and steal the shirt.

Whatever your favorite food is if you eat it every day for a month you're going to get sick of it.

No sheep wants to be first through the gate but every sheep will be second.

Communication is not what we say but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me.

I'm not some movie star relying on a studio. I have my own fans and I earned them.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

I'm sorry but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir are not in that club.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

Yes the road to hell is paved with good intentions but everyone forgets the second half of that quote: the road to heaven is paved with good actions.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

There are fun nights there are crazy nights and then there are those nights that make men legends.

General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant stupid or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.

At some point in their life everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans not because people hate me.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

It is hard for me to be vulnerable because I never learned how to do that. I was never vulnerable in a safe way.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

The haters always scream the loudest.

Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much.

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet have I?

Hollywood it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular everyone wants to be with.

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in my life is that my intelligence is inversely correlated to my humility. The more I thought I knew the less I actually knew.

If you read the book you're not a journalist. You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.

Usually whatever people's particular political leaning is they either think I'm just like them or the opposite.

In training there is no winning or losing. There is only learning.

What people who don't create don't understand is that once you take money from the machine the machine [movie industry] owns you.

My favorite random email I got was from some guy who wrote: "Mr. Max with the hope of a six year old on the night before Christmas asking about Santa I ask the same question: Do you really exist?

A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you're not in that boat which most people are not personal branding makes no sense.

Obstacles are only obstacles if you see them as obstacles. They can also be called opportunities.

If you make comedy if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended you're going to fail.

Opinions are projections.

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship the quality of the relationship.

This may come as a shock to some of you but I have a slightly volatile personality. I don't suffer fools well.

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

The great stories go to those who aren't afraid to live them

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.