Lenny Bruce Quotes

Freedom of speech is a two way street man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

The only honest art form is laughter comedy. You can't fake it...

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom but any sexual freedom comes at a price and that is usually art.

The only honest art form is laughter comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away man. You can't.

TV is just advertising for your live gig so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

I want to perform an unnatural act.

Alright let's admit it we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

If there was absolute freedom people would run over babies and charge admission.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

I've talked to biblical cats and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

Communism is like one big phone company.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil than a brown man with a Muslim name?

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.

You put a guy on a desert island he'll do it to mud a chicken a barrel anything a knothole.

Once the country was settled and built the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

If I get busted in New York the freest city in the world that will be the end of my career

You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.

There's a lot of money in wars except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil without disease and violence Iâ??d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time they're gone.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

If you can take the hot lead enema then you can cast the first stone.

If you live in New York even if you're Catholic you're Jewish

Even if you are Catholic if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte Montana you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

If you can't say "Fuck" you can't say "Fuck the government.

Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.

A lot of people say to me 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno it was one of those parties got out of hand you know.

Once you take away the struggle for food clothing and shelter work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

Marijuana will be legal some day because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

When earth gets good and crowded like 15th century England then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven but I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

There are never enough I Love You's.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory sleep in beds next to each other talk laugh and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

I'll die young but it's like kissing God.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time the public the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous when you think about it.

Life is a four-letter word

If something about the human body disgusts you the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition there's no struggle no pain and that means no laughter.

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45 I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

I tried the religion scam in Miami so I know how hard that gig is. But if you can get it to work starting your own religion is a license to print money.

You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people eight people one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

When homosexuals were repressed you got Tennessee Williams. Today's tolerance got you Hilton Perez.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The 'what should be' never did exist but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be ' there is only what is.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

If you believe there is a God a God that made your body and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

There are no dirty words only dirty minds.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power the violence the viciousness.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

If you're going to stop masturbating you can't taper off. You've got to quit cold jerky!

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.