Kinky Friedman Quotes


I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

Remember I'm not running against Rick Perry; I'm running against apathy.

If you're lookin' for a helpin' hand try the one at the end of your arm.

This system is really broken. No Child Left Behind has really failed and the only way to solve education is to leave one governor behind.

I am not anti-death penalty but I'm damned sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed.

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

It wasn't a healthy attitude but it wasn't really a healthy world.

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell a dead fish can do that.

Now I have a cat. Well that's not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

I'm well aware that the Nelson Mandelas and the Winston Churchills of the world happened by accident. They usually come out of nowhere.

The art of writing fiction is to sail as dangerously close to the truth as possible without sinking the ship

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.

I don't feel bad about losing.

I'm going to lower the drinking age to eighteen. If you're old enough to die in Iraq you're old enough to drink.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

We're going to make that Lone Star shine again

I don't think I have even achieved fame. Of course Hemingway says that fame is death's little sister.

I've achieved many of my dreams and I want to see that some others get a chance to especially younger Texans.

If Raymond Chandler came from the South his name would be Ace Atkins.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

No matter where you go you always see yourself in the rearview mirror.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog but only love can make it wag its tail.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Inspiration thing is important to teach the kids that JFK is not an airport RFK's not a stadium Martin Luther King ain't a street

My definition of an artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.

May the God of your choice bless you.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

If you gotta kill two birds might as well get stoned.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

There will be a whole new spirit blowing through Texas. There will be a smile on everybody's face and a chill up the spine of every politician.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings but we'll work late and be honest.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

The good teachers are bailing out. Education is very important.... This should be the centerpiece on the table of Texas.

We're all worm bait waiting to happen. It's what you do while you wait that matters.

Always beware of people offering you one-time money. That only works in an election year. How are you going to permanently pay for education?

Cuban cigars is a big expense because I do smoke a lot of them eight to 12 a day so that would be almost as bad as a cocaine habit a hundred bucks a day.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

The people I respect all died broke and despairing. They didn't leave a lot of hammered iron behind them like Donald Trump has done.

Money can buy you a fine dog but only love can make him wag his tail.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

I want to fight the wussification of the State of Texas. I want to rise and shine and bring back the glory.

If you're patient and you wait long enough something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

If you're going to be an artist you need to be an original.

He looked a shade too healthy and nobody likes that. Particularly in New York.

If Jesus Christ had run as an independent Rick Perry would have beat him.

I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.

The best fiction is true.

Like most of us I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

Well I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell but...

William Bennett is my patron saint one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

I don't believe in carrying a weapon. If somebody wants to shoot me he'll have to bring his own gun.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

One thing we are sure of is there's no one like Nelson Mandela out there. That's too bad for us.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And hell beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Every time you see a beautiful woman just remember somebody got tired of her.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there like the pedophiles and the politicians.

You never marry the person you first see 'Casablanca' with.

Finding a cat--or having a cat find you--can change your world as much as marriage divorce love death or even winning the lottery can and sometimes more.

On the whole I prefer cats to women because cats seldom if ever use the word 'relationship'.

No nothing has changed in my life at all and nothing would change if I had millions.

Sleep came slower than a frigid woman.

A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

I'm not pro-life and I'm not pro-choice. I'm pro-football.

Remember the Legislature is the joke not our campaign.

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

When a stray animal crosses your path it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later once you've been proven horrendously irrevocably wrong.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

And I'll tell you another thing you won't find any candidate that supports prayer in school and gay marriage. For that reason alone people should vote for an independent-thinking person.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

I came from an upper-middle class home which is always a hard cross for a country singer to bear.

Well I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job we never had a home we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

The child-teacher relationship is crucial.

I suffer from the curse of being multi-talented. There's no doubt about it. Politics and literature have gotten in the way of songwriting.

The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians and they're not getting it.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell you always have to change planes in Dallas.

The system is not perfect. Until it's perfect let's do away with the death penalty.

I believe that Willy Nelson is the hillbilly Dalai Lama.

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom and we're winning.

The reason educational spending in Texas is so low is because you don't have a state tax there and that's why Texas is big growth because you don't tax people to death.

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

Young people are the key to this election.

You've got to find what you love and let it kill you. I don't think any of us should ever forget that.

The folks in Mississippi are saying 'Thank God for Texas.'

Friday night was the night most people thought they were supposed to have fun. Trouble was most people didn't know what fun was or how to have it so things usually ended up pretty ugly.

I'd felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

My goal as a young man to be fat famous and financially fixed by 50.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have the worse you get.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

If you don't love Jesus-go to hell!

The teachers are getting screwed blued and tattooed by the system.

If you're paranoid long enough sooner or later you're gonna be right.

True love usually results in a hostage situation.

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love it is that sooner or later it results in a hostage situation.

I want to see a Jew in the White house.

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.

Happiness is a moving target.

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.

They probably would've taken Jesus if he hadn't been nailed down.

When you record something you never know who's going to hear it.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.

There are more inspirational people in music than there are in politics.

These days there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

I see an issue I like and I support it.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

Yes I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart and... both of them were independents by the way.

I don't think where people come from is that important. It doesn't matter if you come from reality TV. The question is whether you can inspire people.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing a privilege in this world.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

I was so high I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions toll roads and property taxes.

I believe that voices like Ross Perot (search) Pat Buchanan Ralph Nader should be heard. They don't have to be president. Give 'em a chance.

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Poly means more than one and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

I'm not for the parties. I'm for Texas.

Sometimes performing someone else's song is more difficult than writing your own.

Always respect your superiors if you have any.

You have to work at it if you want to be a good smoker. Especially today with all the non-smoking world constantly harassing you.

I don't see how the people who created the problem can fix it. Texas is worth fighting for and the best way to fight is to get the politicians out of politics.

If you ain't Texan I ain't got time for you.