Johnny Carson Quotes


I am taking the applause sign home putting it in the bedroom.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

As you all know by now this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just taken place.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

I think students ought to have the right to protest but not to the point of anarchy.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is he'll sing it to me.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Only lie about the future.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most unsolved.

I have an ego like anybody else but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it 'Best wishes Ronald Reagan.'

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

We resort frankly to pies which is a comedy staple that's gone back I guess to since the first pie was ever baked.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

If variety is the spice of life marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art and although it may be a rather rudimentary burlesque humor there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face under the right conditions.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing "if you want it your way cook it yourself.

Happiness is having a rare steak a bottle of whiskey and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I hated my last boss. He asked Why are you two hours late? I said I fell downstairs. He said That doesn't take two hours.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good or you've got no business being out there.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12 000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!!

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes consuming sex and wealthy meals.

From the time I was a little kid I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

As for being sociable I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Last night it was so cold the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

I'm an entertainer not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink people think you're crazy.

As long as I don't commit any crimes you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Whatever you do you're going to be criticized.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life were fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I demand my right to a private life just as I respect that right for everybody else.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Democracy means free television not good television but free.

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth inventor of television we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world and people keep sending it to each other.

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

That would have been a great ticket Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

He's so fat he can be his own running mate.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful someone given to serious issues you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

According to statistics it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If God didn't want man to hunt He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

If you're happy in what you're doing you'll like yourself you'll have inner peace.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status they change in relation to you.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it he said "It was all right but I liked the book better.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie Nixon gets a royalty.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else what you do is your own business.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.