Joan Rivers Quotes

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it then don't watch us.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I have no sex appeal which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir'.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn we'd never have had the kid.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

At my funeral I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long I have a set of towels from the Ark.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

Anger is a symptom a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt bitterness grief and most of all fear.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

What makes me laugh is of course the absurd the horror - anything that upsets me.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Comedy is learning to be funny and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform I used it as a tent.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

I was not an attractive child.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Edgar had a heart attack and I'm to blame. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way I'd visit him every day.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

Don't follow any advice no matter how good until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Trust me there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater and I go out with friends so I do have some nights off.

I am furious about everything.

Trust your husband adore your husband and get as much as you can in your own name.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

Sold my house in LA packed myself up and moved to New York not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

Happiness at my age is breathing

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

Don't worry about the money. Love the process.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

I don't mind aging I just don't want to be a day older.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police ' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

There's always an adjective before my name and it's never a nice one.

I hate old people I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night and I would chase that high for another three months.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants always check a coat and a skateboard.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits I might tell my best joke and never know it.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

When you whisper about something it's too big and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

As comedians we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.

My audiences get younger all the time.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

With this face I need all the deals I can get.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Gay marriage I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: 'Run your own race put on your blinders.'

As a wedding gift Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

When a man has a birthday he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday she takes at least three years off.

My mother loved entertaining and I've followed suit so we have big celebrations for New Year Passover Thanksgiving and birthdays.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My body is a temple and my temple needs redecorating

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress 30 passengers would try to board her.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

Better laid than never.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything otherwise we're going down the tube.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge no matter what the disaster has been.

She's so fat she's my two best friends.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy very secluded but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

I was my own buddy in camp.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

Everyone needs a facelift except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him 'I'm completely naked'.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred as it should be.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

I'm never without a bandage.

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore and if it isn't there find a new favorite.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail lasagna steak creamed spinach salad with bleu cheese dressing onion rings garlic bread and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Now I'm not against sex before marriage but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

If you laugh at it you can deal with it.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Having a baby can be a scream.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Looking 50 is great if you're 60.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

My sex life is so bad my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

my cousin Shirley who never complains screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True this was just during conception.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said "we don't believe it.

I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

My mother told me 'man on top woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with when the chips are down it's all about business.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe Keisha Castle Hughes Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes those are actors not caterers.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

What we do is a calling...we make people happy

You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady or someone was rotten to a fan somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.

A child can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove pull lamps off of tables and wake Mommy before noon.

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

Prince Charles is so funny. So so funny.

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing and what's there stinks.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write: "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken I spray it with Pledge.

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Reading should be a pleasure not a chore.

I'm in nobody's circle I've always been an outsider.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing you notice the woman.

Diets like clothes should be tailored to you.

You're college graduates now so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know it's whom.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot but there's a lot going on here.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?

The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

When you first get married they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

You don't marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

I was dating a transvestite and my mother said 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more but I don't want to go through menopause again.

If I found her floating in my pool I'd punish my dog.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside and the air disintegrates them.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

My body is dropping so fast my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window took a look and pulled down the shade.

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off I say get dressed and put one thing on.

All my way through college I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well lived very well.

I've had so much plastic surgery when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very very happy you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

On the Vanna White diet you only eat what you can spell.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet which is all liquid. 80 proof.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

My daughter and I are very close we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing "pick up I know you're there.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

In every human endeavor persistence is everything.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function but to achieve on her own.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

If you don't think you're funny no one else will.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I believe when a woman enters a room men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Forty for you sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Life is a movie and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Never floss with a stranger.

Never floss a stranger.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you and the show is going well you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

A man can sleep around no questions asked but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

I was the last girl in Larchmont NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway.

That girl had a great way of making friends and strangers and anyone else who was around.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama and you can reach 6 million viewer and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought 'This is stupid this is beneath me who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

I hate thin people; 'Oh does the tampon make me look fat?'

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom and nobody else ever calls me at all.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

Omaha is a little like Newark without Newark's glamour.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

If two people want to get married get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

Girls just want to have fun. Well so do old ladies!

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is God's gift that's why we call it the present.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good and it's totally youth-oriented.

When I turn down work I feel guilty I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Yeah I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history too.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I got a waterbed but my husband stocked it with trout.

The thing is I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

I said to my husband 'my boobs have gone my stomach's gone say something nice about my legs.' He said 'Blue goes with everything.'

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

If you can't make fun of yourself you don't have any right to make fun of others

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle and I hated it from the minute I got it.

She's so pure Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I said to my husband 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said 'Get the hell off my property.'

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I love the Internet and I love that you can say whatever you want.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is this one isn't.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it that's acting.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh it's tough.

Last night I asked my husband 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said 'Next door.'

Our natures are a lot like oil mix us with anything else and we strive to swim on top.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120 but your mother is still worried about you.

If you don't want gays in the military make the uniforms ugly

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly you may as well look this year's ugly.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

to maintain success stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

[Signature phrase:] Can we talk?

Self-pity shortens your life ...

You're going to get what I think is the truth and it's going to be raw.

I lived to be on stage and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

If you're not a wreck in this business you're not around.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure and if you look at it like that even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.