Jeff Foxworthy Quotes


You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

As a comedian I appreciate every kind of comedy. You decide for yourself what you're going to do.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.

You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game you're either gay or married.

There's no down time any more.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman start your engines" You might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard we may not be seeing as much action as the front line but we are living to fight another day.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

Every generation thinks they invented sex which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case you wouldn't even be here.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better you do not really worry about failing.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

I think with a comedian when you get to the point of a greatest hits it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time which not very many people do.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

I say If everybody in this house lives where it's God first friends and family second and you third we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder back'ah Bubba's barn...

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.

You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter winter still winter and road construction you may live in Canada

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money that's a bonus and if you don't you still won't hate going to work.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

If you're a redneck you have that blood flowing through your veins. That's almost on the bucket list to hear Lynyrd Skynyrd`s "Freebird" live.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You might be a redneck if...you think that John Deere Green Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says My other car is a combine.

You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

The more excited the rooster gets the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

By the time we get to church I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is it may take them a while to get going but when you do they can go for a long long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

If most people wanted to be incognito they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You might be a redneck if your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

You might be a redneck if... your high school basketball game got rained out.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

In my life I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

Being a comedian people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Any job that posts a price list for your body parts is a bad job.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

As a comic you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking when it gets light.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

Comics don't usually have very long careers and I'm 22 years into this.

You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash Willie Nelson or Elvis over your fireplace.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

We probably stagnate our children's emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us.

You might be a redneck if in an effort to watch your cholesterol you eat Spam Lite.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom sister and girlfriend and you only need to buy one gift.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working I'm on a tractor on my farm hunting fishing or climbing a mountain.

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity

If you don't have anything good to say about someone you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love dolls clothes

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

I love comedy. God has given me this platform.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer they're suppose to have a future.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap just for formal occasions.

You might be a redneck if you grow Vidalia onions rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without you just might be a redneck.

I've been to all 50 states and traveled this whole country and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

My grandma's the most careful safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people you really don't want to put your key in it.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere somehow someone is gonna lose a trailer.

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well and they find their audience.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy! Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk' you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Hell when I was in high school a drive-by shooting meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

You might be a redneck if...you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

The designated driver program it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it drop them off at the wrong house.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

To me the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You might be a redneck if every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile I think something snaps in your brain.

You might be a redneck if somebody hollers ho-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures you might be a redneck.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.

I never thought I would do a game show but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass you might be a redneck.

You take a normal guy give him a wife give them time and you've got AN IDIOT!

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas you put gin in the gas tank.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Between New York and LA there's 200 million people that aren't hip and they don't want to be hip.

As an actor there was that freedom of not having to worry about lights or marks or other people. It was just going out there and having fun with the character.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm you aren't juicy.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

Now it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

People are like Hey Jeff lemme tell you... I'm like Hold on let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I'll just have itchy watery eyes!

I know if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman you're either gay or married.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh you ain't nobody's babydoll.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.

I think for one thing kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.

When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought Well they know what they're talking about let's do that.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up Police!

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

When I was a kid my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was 'Let him pull it over his head a few times he'll learn.'

You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

I had to perform at the White House for the president That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to.

I tried real hard to play golf and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work we get up and go to church and we get up and go to war when necessary.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass you might be a redneck.

People would say Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

If you break into my house I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.