Henny Youngman Quotes

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert then joined the army. The first time he saluted he killed himself.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out she'll kill me.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays I go Fridays.

I said to my wife 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said 'Try the kitchen.'

My wife is the sweetest most tolerant most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so he gave him another six months.

Everytime I ask what time it is I get a different answer.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!

Doctor I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Old teachers never die they just grade away.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes" and walked away.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been and the owner says "You mean third base?

Hollywood called me asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50 000" They called back "How about $20 000?" I said "I'll pay it!

I call my lawyer and say 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says 'What's the second question?'

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager "Give me a table near a waiter.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up - they have no holidays.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love a little affection a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house that's what it means.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Three weeks ago she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

If you had your life to live over again do it overseas.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

We aim to please... You aim too please.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane walk right into the propeller.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally I let her out.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed it's feet first!

In a blackout a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said "because I was going up!

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds lady?

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100 000 head of cattle. No bodies just heads.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

If I had blood I'd blush.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Some people play a horse to win some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The horse I bet on was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

The room is so small when I put the key in I broke the window!

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

I wish my brother would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight but can she climb a tree.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!

Now the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I own a hundred and fifty books but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a nice personality but not for a human being.

My best friend ran away with my wife and let me tell you I miss him.

The patient says "Doctor it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

When you battle with your conscience and lose you win.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient they're in two separate buildings!

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner I feel sexy. When I go to bed I feel hungry.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me there is nobody behind us!

Why are you hitting me there is nobody behind us!

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Let's get up here before we get killed!

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay you're it.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there so I turned off the fan!

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

He had a defect which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

If a joke is too hard to visualize I tell the young comics then what the hell good is it?

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked "Where are you going?" My wife said "I must be late everyone is all coming back!

I'd commit suicide if I could do it without killing myself.

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

I miss my wife's cooking as often as I can

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said 'Cough'

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

When a man opens a car door for his wife it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

My wife lost all her credit cards but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning sleep late.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!

Doctor my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says "Limp!

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See what did I tell you?

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced she keeps the house.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

Nurse: "Doctor the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around make it look like he was walking in.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay let's get started.

When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

If as the scientist say sex is such a driving force why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

If my mother knew I did this for a living she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? "My son!

I don't believe in reincarnation but what were you when you were alive?

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

Where did you get your haircut the pet shop?

The usual way - a little wine a little dinner....

I came home the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy I took a left at the kitchen.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter puts in a quarter the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!

I take my wife everywhere but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light she starts to eat.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says "Tut Tut!

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

In elementary school many a true word is spoken in guess.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Just think if it weren't for marriage men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today a five-year-old can do it.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here King!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love the garage door goes up.

2 Guys in a health club one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!

My horse was so late getting home he tiptoed into the stable.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says "Are you comfortable?" The man says "I make a good living.

She ran after the garbage truck yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No jump in!

All men are not homeless but some men are home less than others.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

My history teacher was so old he taught from memory.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

We always hold hands. If I let go she shops.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her the better.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

Are you Polish? Okay I'll talk slower.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back I don't see anything.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

A woman says to a man "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!

Two kangaroos were talking to each other and one said 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way - a little wine a little dinner....

Getting on a plane I told the ticket lady "Send one of my bags to New York send one to Los Angeles and send one to Miami." She said "We can't do that!" I told her "You did it last week!

I know a guy who had his doctor say "Take some weight off go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said "There is water in the carburetor." I said "Where's the car?" She said "In the lake.

Take my wife... Please!

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week and three stores went under.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it and puts in into an unlocked car.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My room is so small the mice are hunchbacked.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

The doctor says to the patient "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay you're ugly too!

I was walking down the street and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers.

When God sneezed I didn't know what to say....