Groucho Marx Quotes

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally I haven't got a camel but I think it's a great idea.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish could she go in the water up to her knees?

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble finding it everywhere diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Any place I hang my head is home.

In any relationship the woman has control the clever ones don't let the men know.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'Yes ' you know he is a crook.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

A clown is like aspirin only he works twice as fast.

Clowns work as well as aspirin but twice as fast.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that or my luck's terrible.)

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement

I didn't like the play but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it I was four and a half years old.

I must confess I was born at a very early age.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance your wife is bound to interfere.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent as written in our contract.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

Africa is God's country and He can have it.

She's afraid that if she leaves she'll become the life of the party.

Take two turkeys one goose four cabbages but no duck and mix them together. After one taste you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Go and never darken my towels again.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy " the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Always examine the dice.

Remember the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

The Alps are a simple folk living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

He's so full of alcohol if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

He thinks I look alike!

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both this wont come as much of a surprise.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

Time wounds all heels.

With the possible exception of clothes beauty salons and Frank Sinatra there are few subjects all women agree upon.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I'm gonna put extra blankets free in all your rooms and there'll be no cover charge

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed he might just as well get married.

I met my wife on a ferry boat and when we landed she gave me the slip

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh yes sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet I'll go home to your wife and outside of the improvement she won't notice any difference.

Heifer cow is better than none but this is no time for puns

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

When you're in jail a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying 'Damn that was fun.'

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

I hope they bury me near a strait man

In Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Sir are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

I know I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well we can clean and tighten those brakes but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Be open minded but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Every time someone turns on a TV I go in the other room and read.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

Who are you going to believe me or your own eyes?

Was that you or the duck?

And stop pointing that beard at me it might go off!

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Behind every successful man is a woman behind her is his wife.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily I love you" on the back of the bill.

Blessed are the cracked for they shall let in the light.

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove and I can't see the stove

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Believe me you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you I almost heard the opera!

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and that's not saying much for you

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

Come on in girls and leave all hope behind.

You call this a party? The beer is warm the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

I never forget a face but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

As soon as I get through with you you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Celebrate the cracks because that's how the light comes in.

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

TV is the rat race of the century.

Before you speak make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

If the garbage man calls tell him we don't want any.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar I will always choose the cigar.

I love my cigar too but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

I think you've got something there but I'll wait outside until you clean it up

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

If you want to see a comic strip you should see me in the shower.

The months before my son was born I used to yell from night to morn 'Whatever it is I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it I'm against it!'

Bel Air I am convinced was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Only if the computers really love each other.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Just give me a comfortable couch a dog a good book and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book I might have a little fun.

Yes darling let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought just let me cover your face

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Money cannot buy you happiness and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack but I doubt it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you but a girl like you.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself I would be happy to do it for you.

Chico: "Here's the book it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

If you're not having fun you're doing something wrong.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

When discovered by his wife kissing the maid Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth

I married your mother because I wanted children imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything money is handy.

I have just one day today and I'm going to be happy in it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

I shall drink no #"? wine before it's time! OK it's time.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Die my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

If women dressed for men the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I've been around so long I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

What have future generations ever done for us?

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

If you've heard this story before don't stop me because I'd like to hear it again.

I intend to live forever or die trying.

Let there be dancing in the streets drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor.

I'm not crazy about reality but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack which you didn't even have the decency to have!

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

All geniuses die young.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

We took pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I not events have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter but I found it too unwieldy

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on I go to the library and read a good book.

My plans are still in embryo a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham if we had some ham.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

I don't have a photograph but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Those are my principles and if you don't like them... well I have others.

Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution?

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family for everything else you need a plan.

Hail hail Freedonia land of the free!

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Oh are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Hey when I said work fast I didn't mean your friend I meant the maid.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie it's not much you know it's just our way of showing you you're a regular guy.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember you're fighting for this woman's honor which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh why can't we break away from all this just you and I and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically I look like one of them. Graying at the temples I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

I've met a lot of pin-up girls but I've never been able to pin one down

Humor is reason gone mad.

I've known and respected your husband for many years and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Hello I must be going.

You are going Uruguay and I'm going my way

Home is where you hang your head.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Madam you're making history in fact you're making me and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Why I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

How would you like to feel the way she looks

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Women should be obscene not heard.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Hello I must be going I cannot stay I came to say I must be going. I'm glad I came but just the same I must be going.

I hate London when it's not raining.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

With a little study you'll go a long ways and I wish you'd start now

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Next time I see you remind me not to talk to you.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives but I didn't have a tape measure.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Years ago I tried to top everybody but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

This isn't a particularly novel observation but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor which is probably more than she ever did.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact she reminds me more of you than you do!

Money will not make you happy and happy will not make you money.

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

If he's been married for 31 years he's not the same man.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid" providing she's not too old

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book and does.

Well art is art isn't it? Still on the other hand water is water!

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Before I speak I have something important to say.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

She's so in love with me she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.