Eddie Izzard Quotes


I appreciate your applause but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash it's much better.

I don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us and to fight the devils within us.

Drama is a complete meal vitamins proteins carbohydrates. It's a slow burn thing. It's got an arc. Comedy is more like coke.

Animals in the wild are lean and I think we should be too.

And the druids they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

Spiders frighten me. In response to the spider alerts for Australia please can the Australian government remove all spiders from Australia and blow them into outer space.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

I'm a dyslexic person so I avoid books.

Well comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

The National Rifle Association says 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

I'm an Action Transvestite

If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid.

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many many years and then President Clinton lied about a relationship and everyone was surprised! A little naive I feel!

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try if you build it they will come. I love that. It's honorable.

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx and in the words of Albert Schweitzer I FANCY YOU!

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

Makeup's just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it and it did all right for them until uh ... well until you killed them all I suppose.

Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines do they ever think Is that Rod Stewart in first class?

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass give great photographs for the people in Bible.

If you get too well-known in comedy I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

Father bless me for I have sinned I did an original sinâ?¦ I poked a badger with a spoon.

My stand-up is quite good now people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.

Theyâ??re not womenâ??s clothes. Theyâ??re my clothes. I bought them.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up into the brain and death.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people

I'd like to have sex with myself.

Racist people interestingly are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh you do? Okay I'll go outside and have a cigarette.

It's not a bloody piano it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.

I'm a one-man idiot.

Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails I know I can pick myself up.

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God but I believe in human beings.

I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans.

Queen Victoria one of our more frumpy Queen's. They're all frumpy aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousin's marry.

I can go from blokey to girlie in 15 minutes and then I'm out the door. But that's the fastest I can do it. Becoming a woman takes work.

You say 'erbs and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!

I'm covered in bees!

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean think about it do earwigs make chutney?

Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it and that's it.

What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food they eat the food they go away; that's the deal.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words 'Heimlich maneuver ' and all will be well. Trouble is it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires people live here... Golden Gate Bridge ahh the Romans came here.

I'm an action transvestite really so it's running jumping climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

If you get too well-known you can never be a comedian's comedian it just won't sit well. But I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that label.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

When you're coming out you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.

I don't believe that competitions are important.

Cake and tea or death?

Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!

I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position.

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going Oh would you like insurance?

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.

You can't land on the moon and say "Ooh it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

If you get anything creative going then the work and play thing is the same thing I feel.

I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.

I just believe in the goodwill of people the power of people to do something positive.

But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

Religion and philosophy philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

I grew up in Europe where the history comes from.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts' I was thinking the same thing.

We will now sing forth hymn 405 'Oh God what on earth is my hairdo all about?

That's no good I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing is it?

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart then you can actually do something good in the world.

Most transvestites fancy girls.

Well if you don't have a flag then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!

Guns don't kill people people kill people and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

People still talk about a British sense of humour or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same.

So then there was the Greek Socrates he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates no questioning. Everyone sort of went ''Yeah I suppose so.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

If there is a God his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

If there were a god don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.

I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side I made his head all square 15 legs. What do you think of that? "Fido looks a bit weird.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

I want to live till I die. No more no less.

But puberty was... well before puberty at school I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks you know?

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn I'd like to shag myself.'

I wanna live 'til I die no more no less.

Poetry is very similar to music only less notes and more words.

There's not much makeup in the army is there? No. They only have that nighttime look and that's a bit slapdash isn't it?

Never put a sock in a toaster.

If you're a performer people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.

Peace peace peace. Peace is organized.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.

You're gay you sell books... you probably shag the books.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG I don't think you'd kill too many people.