Christopher Moore Quotes

Apologies one loses perspective after spending a week in a brothel.

. . . And so Charlie Asher . . . led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.

I can be most colorful and inventive when I am angry.

Angels are just pretty insects.

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

Hope is merely another face of desire.

We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions

He has the attention span of a hummingbird.

Like most Beta Males he didn't realize that being a good guy was not necessarily an attraction to women.

This is the man who called the fire department when the toilet backed up and I'm asking him for help. What was I thinking? Why am I attracted to weak men?

One thing that's really delightful is my books tend to attract people who are funny so I get the benefit of people writing me with things that crack me up.

... but to remain historically accurate I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed which is 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion but when time is short an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.

You can't just accidentally penis somebody.

It's like time travel only you know slower...

If you like what you're reading I probably wrote it.

And he was like "The sedative in the blood blah blah four hours blah blah nerdspeak geektalk -" -Abby

When I was writing 'You Suck ' in 2006 I constructed the diction of the book's narrator perky Goth girl Abby Normal from what I read on Goth blog sites.

All of the trickster rascal characters that I write have the voice I aspire to. In real life you can't be that obnoxious and get away with it.

No one knows why but second only to eating the brains of the living the dead love affordable prefab furniture.

I don't read reviews if I know in advance they're negative because I can't have my confidence undermined when I'm writing.

You sure about this writer thing son?

An adventure story is fear recalled in comfort.

Love is not something you think about it is a state in which you dwell

I don't give a toss about being remembered after my death.

That's the scary thing about hope " she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

One can't be free without action.

There's a fine edge to new grief it severs nerves disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time as the edge wears does the real ache begin.

Do we look like thrill-seekers? Wasn't it enough that we had to put up that sign reading NO HABLA ESPANOL and acknowledge the existence of thirty percent of the population even in the negative?

He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.

Kayso it turns out that driving an actual car is way harder than it is in 'Grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.

Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA I guess

I think beta males on an evolutionary basis are much more successful than the alpha males are. You don't hear much about us but there's a lot more of us out there.

I wanted a trumpet concerto that reflected Native American music because well there aren't any. I looked around for one but couldn't find anything. So it's a wide-open field.

Anger is the spirits telling you that you are alive.

She was an alien really - a sort of eating pooping tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.

Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

It's Christmas! Ah Christmas the time when all good people go about not decapitating each other.

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly which I think we can all agree is wrong.

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.

I love you above all things even pie.

It's very difficult to stay angry when a room full of bald guys in orange robes start giggling. Buddhism.

He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.

The sofa was lumpy enough to have had a body sewed into it; stuffing spilled out of the arms where the victim had tried to escape.

We know there's going to be nothing but pain but we go back again and again.

In fact he sorely hoped that it would happen because otherwise the world made no sense there was no justice and life was just a tangled ball of chaos. if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.

You know there's a 12 step program for gambling. You should look into that. Twelve steps. Coyote laughed. I'll bet I can do it in six.

Oh we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance leaking life until we collapse flaccid into our own despair..

We really have to get going " Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?" The monk said "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?" Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote.

Most of us don't live our lives with one integrated self that meets the world we're a whole bunch of selves.

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist it was that the sooner you confess a mistake the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.

Hope is bulletproof truth just hard to hit

Life is loneliness broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk

I love British cursing - the cadence of it the joy in the sound of the words and the vulgarity of it.

Don't bruise the Foo!

And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

In business as in politics the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

I like a girl with a substantial bottom ' said Renoir drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.

Carlton Mellick III has the craziest book titles and the kinkiest fans!

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.

I thought I was going to be a horror story writer. My influences were horror writers like Rich Matheson Ray Bradbury and Bram Stoker.

I've made a dog's breakfast of English history geography 'King Lear ' and the English language in general.

I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

Shoes off in the whale! And don't try and make a break for the anus.

Chapter 8 Dinner With the Vampire: Is there something wrong with your food?" No I'm just not very hungry." You're going to break my heart aren't you?

You're going to break my heart aren't you?

Devil's Food?" You can only eat so much white cake my friend.

She laughed. My favorite music.

I fear you may become a lonely man even in the company of others.

An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt you craven vulture.

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

Only by being prepared for your death can you ever truly live.

Whistler ' Manet called. 'How's your mother?

Action based on hope just felt better than the paralysis of certainty.

Blessed are the dumbfucks.

Blessed are the meek for to them we shall say "attaboy".

The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast my dear.

Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?

I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair sing a dirge or two take the rest of the week off.

They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions.

Why understand when you can believe?

Children see magic because they look for it.

. . . You seem upset Charlie. Is something wrong? Charlie: No no Iâ??m okay I just had to take directions from a mute beaver in a fez to get here itâ??s unsettling.

San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city with lots of great contrasts between dark and light often overlapping each other. It's a great setting for a horror story.

Don't be ridiculous Charlie people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.

...One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.

I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck.

I think I'm what they call a never-was.

Lonliness evaporated off of them like the steam off dry ice and by morning it was just a cloud on the ceiling of the room then gone with the light.

Sometimes this high-tech world calls for low-tech solutions.

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast."This is death toast sweety.

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling is that duck wearing trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could be . . . . You hear of paper-wrap chicken? This duck in pants.

Yo yo yo check it out " said PJ with enough hand gestures that any deaf person watching would have thought he had ASL Tourette's syndrome

He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

Marry for love stay married and raise happy children who are quick to laugh and slow to judge.

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate.

Like God's own chocolate I'd lick her shadow off a hot sidewalk

Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy

That's a horrible plan." "Yes but I have chosen to ignore that.

Words words words a million million words circle in my head like hawks waiting to dive onto the page to rend and tear the only two words I want to write. Why me?

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children like the Tooth Fairy. Thereâ??s no such place.

Compliment but do not covet.

Ooo ahe-e I aya oa a " she said in yawnspeak a language - not unlike Hawaiian - known for its paucity of consonants.

She's so small yet she contains so much evil.

Not unlike the toaster I control darkness.

Itâ??s like he has this power over meâ??like I have an eating disorder and heâ??s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

The three jewels of Tao: compassion moderation and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage moderation leads to generosity and humility leads to leadership.

Cofishes-other fish in a group coworkers cohorts etc. Shut up it's a word.

How could you deal with a creature as devious as woman.

Everything in Venice is just a little bit creepy as much as it's beautiful.

Oh I get it " I said. "It's a parable. Cute. Let's go eat.

The netherworld is timeless and unchanging and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room.

The gourney the big file drawers of the dead the instruments of dissection - this sure looked like the morgues in the movies. Something had gone seriously wrong while she slept.

I fink I gots deaf on me willie.

He loved constantly instantly spontaneously without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

Actually orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.

Science you don't know looks like magic.

It's hard for me a Jew to stay in the moment. Without the past where is the guilt? And without the future where is the dread? And without guilt and dread who am I?

One day the good times had to keep on rolling and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.

Foul and magical fumes bubbled out of the kettle like the flatulence of a dragon on a demon-only diet.

Love: the sickest of Ironyâ??s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die.

She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face either from shame or love like there was a difference.

Sweetheart wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.

She's so obnoxious. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body." Detective Cavuto

She's evil. Evil evil evil. I want to see her naked.

Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.

You're trying to be tricky. What's morality?" "It's the difference between what's right and what you can rationalize." "Must be a human thing." "Exactly.

Life is messy. Would that every puzzle piece fell into place every word was kind every accident happy but such is not the case. Life is messy

You were supposed to empathize with your friend's problem but they were after all your friend's problems...

The pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity.

Just because he was pretty didn't mean he couldn't be improved by a smack upside the head with a piece of earnest hickory

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

After all the evidence is in--after you've run all the facts by everything you know--and you're still lost you have to do some things on faith.

The reason I'm writing funny books is that I wish there were more.

On the radio turned low Reba sang of hard times with the full authority of a cross-eyed redheaded millionaire.

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

I could stand on my head and flick the bean right there at the dinner table and my mom would be all "Honey Christmas is family time we should be together" and make me finish in front of everyone.

Routine feeds the illusion of safety...

All fear comes from trying to see the future Biff. If you know what is coming you aren't afraid.

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass that's what.

People generally suck.

I've sort of made a reputation by high-stepping my way out of genre. As soon as somebody says 'He does this ' I'm not standing there anymore.

Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.

Oh I would while away the hours Wanking in the flowers my heart all full of song I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie If I only had a schlong.

So hey once Joshua heals your brother you want to go do something get some pomegranate juice a falafel or get married or something?

It was sometimes difficult to reconcile a man's talents with his personality.

You don't hurry a thinker and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate.

Everyone is happier if they have someone else to look down on as well as someone to look up to especially if they resent both.

This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel one may have a bit more praying to do.

Inside I was like: "Ha suck my spiky rubber strap-on vampyre hunter!

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm only to have it abused by amateurs.

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that right?

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

What is your name?" asked Lear. Caius " said Kent. And whence do you hail?" From Bonking sire." Well yes lad as do we all " said Lear "but from what town?

Ack! Parables. I hate parables.

...she is too beautiful I think to not be inherently evil.

Life is an irritation.

Faith isn't an act of intelligence it's an act of imagination.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.

She doesn't understand that a writer is a special creature--that I'm different from everyone else. I'm not saying I'm superior to other people just more sensitive I guess.

Nobody's perfect. Well there was this one guy but we killed him....

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

I've won Satan's lottery.

Moses should have said "Let my people go. Please.

When I teach seminars I tell people 'Your stuff has to look like something that's out there because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.'

The medium obscured the message.

When you go on book tour you're always talking about yourself and your book from the time you get up in the morning until you go out at night. You you. You get really sick of yourself.

He always had a problem with the purity of others. Never his own.

Unless you can change the past youâ??re wasting the present on this guilt

As much as I encourage communication with my readers I don't want reviews from them simply because I don't need to be hamstrung in the middle of working on something.

I'm not nearly as outrageously brave as many of my rascals that I write. But I think the rascal spirit must reside in me somewhere.

This Roberto. He no like the light.

You want me and I want you. right?" Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said "Well I guess. Yeah that's right.

When I teach seminars I tell people Your stuff has to look like something thats out there because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.

By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

The value of the work we do is the value we give to it.

You think you know how this story is going to end but you don't.