Bob Hope Quotes

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it's known at my house Passover.

Now that the war is winding down I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

She said she was approaching forty and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

If they liked you they didn't applaud -- they let you live.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart that is why the dogs are so fast.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris you're either very rich or very sick.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

To give you an idea of how fast we travelled - we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected he'd go back to acting.

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.

Please don't stand up on my account.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Lots of travel away from home.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The old water heater in my dressing room was working but it was kind of tired. It gave off about as much warmth as an agent's handshake.

The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear's huge jaws. I wouldn't even try that with my agent.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie cheat and steal. He's always had an agent for that.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way you'll promise her anything.

For the first time you can actually see the losers turn green

Seventy years of ad-lib material and I am speechless.

I've never wanted an Oscar although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years but he couldn't hear them.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.

On one hole I hit an alligator so hard he's now my golf bag.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected bombs then flies away. Hell I've been doing that all my life.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds but not for the same reason.

As soon as the war ended we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards and that's just to protect his buns.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Go figure a crazy mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact my blood type is solid marmalade.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim the frug the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out though. Every time he makes love my garage door opens.

If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball the nation has nothing to worry about.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.

The place was so British I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold mother threw on another brother.

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and a maid to press it for me.

He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Television is the box they buried entertainment in.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00 a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!


The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much you don't know which end to talk to.

I feel very humble but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh if you had thought to of that you'd not be here now.

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable even hopeful.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

I was lucky you know I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for oh perhaps half.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I've been playing golf a long time although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle a moose an elk an aardvark...

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

With today's movies if we took out all the bad language we'd go back to silent films.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

You know marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan only over there they call it judo.

After the 1984 Summer Olympics Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat nobody can.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I can still chase women only downhill

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I've never heard of a clean one.

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe the national French pastime is picnicking.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

Timing is the essence of life and definitely of comedy.

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.

She spoke perfect English which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation

If I have to lay an egg for my country I'll do it.

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

Following his doctor's orders Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Sure we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer you can never get enough.

Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.

Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

When you get over 95 every day is your day.

A very very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut I feel immortal.

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

They'll always be an England even if it's in Hollywood.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.

It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.

Whenever I play with him I usually try to make it a foursome - the President myself a paramedic and a faith healer.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

It's a wonderful way to live and not a bad way to go either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy merely the speakers...

Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you're God's frozen people.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.

The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.

It flies so high I swear I heard the organs playing.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

If my golf game was a prize fight they'd stop it.

I've been married fifty-five years and I've been home three weeks.

When we recall the past we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

I need money. I have a staff of 30 and four houses never mind the government to support.

We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.

That's life. The older you get the tougher it is to score.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television we'll have her forever.

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

I can't give up Golf I've got too many sweaters.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

The home videos aren't as good but they are seeming to get better.

Wine women and song have been replaced by prune juice a heating pad and the Gong Show.

If you think golf is relaxing you're not playing it right.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age but I shot my weight instead.

My secret for staying young is good food plenty of rest and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

When she started to play Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

My idea of Christmas whether old-fashioned or modern is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

I don't know what people have against government; they haven't done anything.

Personally I never drink on Oscar nights as it interferes with my suffering.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Kids are wonderful but I like mine barbecued.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts I get inside fast. If God wants to play through let him.

I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

Our first stop was red square the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

I like to come to Washington D.C. at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?

Television. That's where movies go when they die.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

If I had that kind of money I wouldn't come to Vietnam I'd send for it.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then on my way home I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.

In his prime the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it and by the time he walked off he did.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said 'What do I do next?' Pat replied 'Wait till the pain dies down.'

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today but when you think about it golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

It's so cold here in Washington D.C. that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

There are many talented English personalities but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course I steered myself there.

Don't tempt me I can resist anything but temptation.

I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.