Artie Lange Quotes

I ain't apologizing for anything especially if it's a joke.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m. but that was to buy angel dust

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

In Hollywood there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party it's a retirement party.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

I found a way for her to fall asleep Paris Hilton talk to herself.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I've never been swimming and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

Vegas means comedy tragedy happiness and sadness all at the same time.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

Historically a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

To tell you the truth there are all these websites predicting my early death and it's starting to work on me!

Jason Alexander is a committed actor he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

Googling me you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

It's good to be alive.

You know how screwed up censorship is two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers and we went wait don't curse.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

When I black out it's the happiest time of my life.

If you are a black woman you get two history months in a row.

Howard's unbelievably nutty politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.

For a degenerate like me Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now Howard Stern has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.

The road is a lonely place and that sounds like a cliche you know like what is my life?

At the Mirage Sportsbook you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Don't do drugs to be cool do 'em because you hate yourself.

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny and then sometimes people you're with girlfriends and stuff are like 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

I think it reminds me of my childhood my father .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid where everything is carefree and fun.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

I had a career before the Stern show on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

Comedians we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

To tell you the truth I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

I'm a comic so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

It's a life of five-card draw and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

I have been in a lot of movies but none of them are critics' darlings you might say.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

It's not a drug problem until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

Hugs are great but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas I've been drinking

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

I quit drinking and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32 000.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

My dad was Superman to me and in my mind he always will be.

Everytime I go to Vegas I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

When you're on the road a lot you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS would you ever not use it?

You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs and then in a lot of ways you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year on the road and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says and that is why we can't have women voting.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it and I would star and all because of being on Howard.