Arthur Smith Quotes

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

Obviously I am not bothered about men's fashion - is anyone apart from Jonathan Ross?

When they meet a stand-up comic people sometimes remark: 'That must be the hardest job in the world.' Among comedians only Freddie Starr is not embarrassed and slightly appalled by this remark.

A female friend who caught me watching Fashion TV reckons its audience is largely made up of slobbering men who are just taking a break from the appalling Men & Motors channel. I don't agree.

When synchronised swimming first appeared on TV we laughed very heartily and I for one applauded the decision to introduce humour into the Olympics.

It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.

I've always been interested in art.

I'm an armchair kind of guy especially when it's raining which it always is and always will be.

Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.

Travel books are by and large boring. They lodge uncomfortably between fact fiction and autobiography.

Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.

I see my large nose like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.

It's worth turning up to an awards gig if you know you've won one but since you never do know it's not worth it.

After you've read a novel you only retain a vague memory of its contents. You remember the atmosphere the odd image or phrase or vivid cameo.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

I've been trekking the hills and lanes of the British countryside for nearly four decades now and I've come to associate my passion with overexcited poets rather than pampered painters.

Comedy ages quicker than tragedy to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.

Acting is the most demanding painful job in the world.

A savage review is much more entertaining for the reader than an admiring one; the little misanthrope in each of us relishes the rubbishing of someone else.

Sometimes it's good to do something that you've never done before so yesterday I went out to buy Elton John's new album.

My sister-in-law believes that few narratives are so tightly constructed that you can't skip boring bits and still keep abreast of what's going on.

Occasionally I find a travel book that is both illuminating and entertaining where vivid writing and research replace self-indulgence and sloppy prose.

Don Quixote's 'Delusions' is an excellent read - far better than my own forthcoming travel book 'Walking Backwards Across Tuscany.'

Only the pun remains. The pun beloved of Shakespeare children and tabloid headline-writers is normally eschewed in the modern sophisticated circles in which I move.

The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

It was Julie Burchill who decreed that beyond a certain age a man should not be seen in a leather jacket.

The real change that paintings undergo is in the perceptions of the viewer.

Every generation of children has its private hero.

The pun exists in a social and political void caring nothing for the issues of its day content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.

Sky and clouds and trees and little figures relaxing in the perfect rural rhythm of their surroundings: these are the staples of a Gainsborough landscape.

The moon puts on an elegant show different every time in shape colour and nuance.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.

My eyebrows could do with a trim.

I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.

If you want to be happy for a short time get drunk happy for a long time fall in love; happy forever take up gardening.

It is London fashion week and once again I haven't been invited to any shows. This is upsetting given my well-known love of fashion or as I think of it playing with the dressing-up box.

When a writer dies you get a higher standard of obituary.

If you want to write something of length however modern and radical you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

I couldn't really see the point of having lunch unless it started at 1:00 and ended a week later in Monte Carlo.

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water but that's about it.

Reading the play at home however fulfilling can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.

I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.

Theatricals can be irritating but will provide a better night out than mobile phone salespeople.

About every four years someone says to me 'I've got a friend who looks exactly like you.' What can you say to this?

I've noticed that my resolutions involve me not doing stuff that I wasn't going to do anyway so here's something more positive. I'm going to retrain as a Latin teacher in a provincial public school.

I have a suspicion that a lot of artists are trying to get a laugh but unlike stand-ups they don't get an immediate response from their audience; a laugh is a rare thing in a gallery.

The Bible has no doubt had much influence in its time but it provides very few laughs. None in fact.